It's so hard to know what to write about next. I lay in bed some nights, waiting for the Ambien to kick in and flip through my memory files. The more I write and think, the more I remember. The more I remember, the more painful this becomes. How much do I need to write down? Is it really healthy to rip these scabs back open? Is this really an integral part of the healing process? And although I am fond of saying that, given the chance, I wouldn't go back and change a thing because I like who I am today, would I really not change things? Because all I could think last night as I sifted through my stupid decisions and my low self esteem, all I could think was "I have ruined my life. I had so much promise, so many opportunities, and I blew every single one." Because the years get so much darker as they go along. And the memories finally became too much and I had to stop thinking so I could sleep.
So now what?