2 am: a stream of consciousness
I wish I could write about adventures. About climbing mountains and exploring dark forests and capturing the stars and falling in love.
But I can only write about this moment.
Right now this moment is coffee stains and shaky hands.
I think that I think too much.
I think that thinking about how I think too much doesn't change how I feel.
I'm lingering in this moment of fragility. An odd cycle of loneliness in which I'm not alone. I feel as heavy as the sea while unable to hold a single raindrop.
I think that metaphors help me to stop thinking about how I think too much and how that doesn't change how I feel.
My inner optimist said she was only resting her eyes, not sleeping. Yet, her breaths have become even. She no longer wakes to the knocks of my old habits.
The coffee stains get darker, my hands get shakier, and the words become hollower.
(Hello again, my old friend)
My shaky hands are still capable of wonders, my narrow shoulders can still hold the weight of the world without cracking.
I have mastered bending without breaking; without shattering.
The stars shine far too brightly for me to look down.
I wonder if the stars know they're dying? Do they shine out of ignorance or in spite of their limited eternity?
(I like to think they shine with all of the spite in the sky)
My eyes are grey thunderstorms, fuming and pouring and furling. They block the constellations that lurk behind them.
Constellations are such a funny thing.
(Constellations don't have to be seen to be real)
Importance is not determined by if something is visible, but if something is present. It may be clouded by other things, but as long as you know it's there, you'll never feel too lonely.
Loneliness has many shades, most are bearable. The rest are bearable as long as you have a friend. Whomever created the buddy system must have been very lonely.
How strange it is to know that you are without knowing what you are.
(Even more troubling, whom you are)
I think I might be a constellation, a myriad of dots of different sizes and shapes and brightness, each forming something slightly more tangible but barely so.
I never thought connect the dots would be so scary.
(I think something wonderful is coming, I just loathe the tensing of all your muscles before impact)