Noah Michelson over at Huffpo Gay Voices has a post today entitled "Why Isn't Anyone Talking About Nick Jonas's Hairy Ass" that's worth a gander, in which he proclaims: "I believe there is something radical about that patch of hair -- however small, however innocent -- climbing out of his jeans in the pages of Flaunt."
He goes on: "And I think it's worth pointing out and talking about, because this is how our culture begins to change -- one image at a time -- and because I want to celebrate progress -- however modest -- wherever I find it, even (especially?) if it's in Nick Jonas' hairy ass crack."
So here we are, talking about it. Hmm. Dat ass.
I'll admit, initially, I think I missed the importance of the ass-crack as the locus of the radical patch of hair. Disclosure: I may be desensitized to hairy ass cracks, as I see them with what might to others (excluding those in the field of proctology) be shocking regularity.
But I guess for a straight guy like Nick to show off his ass crack like this, and not even bother to wax it -- he must really want to be the next Madonna.
Nick’s radical patch falls under the rubric of, erm, inconvenient body hair we’d rather not see or talk about, at least in public, and because we can’t see and talk about it kinda find it inexplicably titillating. Like excessive leg or armpit hair on a lady, especially on an old lady (again, see: Madonna). I mean, ew, let’s not talk about that, k?
Why do we even have that stuff??? We shouldn’t have stuff we can’t talk about, right?
Well, in terms of natural selection, as the delightful Derek Mead over at Motherboard points out “rump fuzz isn’t preventing any pregnancies, and that’s why year after year ass hair abides.” Hetero women (the ones driving selection) probably aren’t that concerned about it, to be honest. Gay men, on the other hand? Oy! It could mean the difference between doing it with the lights on or off.
(Oh my God, SIDEBAR. One of my first gay supermarket pick-ups: Durst's Thriftway on N.W. Glisan in Portland circa 1993. The butcher had been making eyes at me for weeks, and finally found some pretext to invite me to his apartment in the neighborhood -- "I have better cuts of meat in my freezer" or something creepy -- fuck off! It was 1993! -- So I drop in, clothes drop off, he shrinks back in horror and shrieks: "Ewww! I thought you'd be HAIRIER!" Scarred for life, the both of us.)
Of course, Nick and his peeps know what they’re doing. Flaunting body hair is a rite of passage for former child stars of the unfairer sex (think Daniel Whatsisfuck naked with that horse). It’s a kind of rebranding. It says, “it’s okay to look at me like that, finally, even though I know you were looking at me like that anyway, when it wasn’t OK and I was shaking my underage ass in your face. So go ahead, ogle my hairy ass crack, I’m totally legal now! And hey! If you’re going to stand there gawking at my ass, buy my fucking album, pervo!”
Female former child stars are out there shaking those tits and twerking that ass, and I think we should all take pride in the fact that pop has reached a point of relative parity here. My only fear at this point is that young men will feel pressurized to grow hair on their asses, and may go to shocking lengths to do so, as to avoid being shamed for not having a radical patch (or "rad patch" as they’re known) on their lower back, where in another time, a quite fashionable flaming wings tramp-stamp might have been.
And there it is. Proof of progress. From a stamp of shame to a mark of fame. We’ve come a long way, baby!