TEN LESSER-KNOWN, TOTALLY SFW FACTS ABOUT THE PENIS
- The Penis was invented in 1746 by Edward Cummerbund, Earl of Penishire, quite by accident as it turns out. What he wanted to invent was the paperclip, which his rival, Baron von Clippenspiel, invented later that year while Cummerbund was preoccupied (some say obsessed) perfecting the uses of his "penis contraption device". Clippenspiel went on to make millions off his invention and founded the prestigious Immanuel Clippenspiel Institut für internationale Zusammentragen und Heften Studien at The University of Hamburg, while the Earl of Penishire died penniless (but, it is said, with a smile on his face).
2. About half the human population has one (very few have more than one, for some reason). And, oh!: Penises usually do not have penises.
3. Most are still made in the traditional way, with shoe leather, sisal twine, and a small lead crank.
4. There are twelve different kinds.
5. Penises float and can double as a flotation device in the event of an emergency landing.
6. You can make your own penis out of common household items, like a doily, a runcible spoon (plastic is fine), a length of ribbon (preferably grosgrain, but chiffon, organdy or organza are also acceptable alternatives), a drop of elmer’s glue and a pinch of glitter. Et voilà!
7. They can reach an internal temperature of 15 million degrees kelvin. Therefore, you should never plug them into a wall socket without an adapter.
8. Penises can be paired equally well with a crisp, cool Muscadet or a full bodied Barolo.
9. They are called “Donaudampfschiffahrtsgesellschaftskapitän” in German.
10. When properly oiled, wound and tuned they play “God Save The Queen”. The real one, not the Sex Pistols one. (Get your mind out of the gutter!)