Ok bitches. Let's get something straight: Fassbender in Shame is full-frontal.
You know, after seeing Gone Girl I was just reminded of the double standard on full-frontal. For actresses it's pretty much de rigueur. It's expected of them to regularly flash their tits. But the mere hint of the suggestion of a shadow of male genitalia flopping around on the screen is still a cause célèbre. And that's clearly because everyone is not Michael Fassbender. He has, in fact, raised the bar so high that no one dares to challenge his penile supremacy.
You know, there's another layer to this Gone Girl thing, though. You actually do get to see some full-on peen, but it ain't Ben Affleck's. At all. It's Doogie Howser's. Yeah, that's right, the Notorious NPH. Spoiler alert: we get to see the gay guy's junk. While he's slathered in blood writhing in his death throes. Seems about right.
I hate to keep bringing this up, but I've seen a lot of penises. I hate that they're called that, too. Middle English used the wonderful "yard" as a euphemism, still in use when Shakespeare wrote Love's Labour's Lost:
Don Adriano de Armado. I do adore thy sweet grace's slipper.
Boyet. [Aside to DUMAIN] Loves her by the foot,—
Dumain. [Aside to BOYET] He may not by the yard.
Truth is, I'm a little like Darwin with his barnacles. I'm not a collector, exactly, but I'm kind of a connoisseur. And while I do think the big, or not-so-big reveal, as the case may be, can sometimes be genuinely revealing, it's only a real eureka! moment when one is either ridiculously larger or ludicrously smaller than you'd expect.
(Speaking of which. Joggers. Please. If your junk isn't flopping around in those mesh shorts, go home. Just. Go home. You're annoying everyone.)
Of course, the penis is problematic. The female anatomy doesn't really have anything to compare. No other appendage on the human body is explicitly designed to make utter fools out of us.
Somehow you can still take a woman seriously after seeing her naked. A man, it depends. I mean, you don't look at a woman's vagina and think, oh, ok, yeah, that totally explains it. That's why she's driving that Escalade. Even naked, women have an air of mystique.
Mystique. Men, we apparently have to wear a cape and a codpiece in order to get that.