I'm in hibernation mode.
I fell asleep on the couch again last night, I don’t know when. Around 9 probably. I get to a very distinct point in the day when my brain function shuts down completely. I’m like a fucking PC. And if I'm not in some social setting, where my participation is expected or amusement guaranteed, it's lights out. I can’t even watch TV at that point. I find even that exhausting. I mean, that makes it sound dramatic, and it’s not. If I’m watching something like Comedy Bang Bang I finish it and turn off the TV. But if it's, you know, anything where Gillian Anderson has a British accent, I have to pause that shit where I'm at when the sleep tsunami hits.
Usually there's a wee warning. But last night it hit so suddenly I couldn't even manage to get off the sofa and turn off the lights. I slept like that until 5 a.m., and then got up, turned everything off and crawled into bed. Wide awake, of course. So I looked at my apps a little. A few guys pinged me. What the fuck were they doing up? is all I could think. Then I fell back asleep and woke up again around 9. I looked at my apps again, to see if there was anyone I might want to hook up with, knowing I really didn’t want to hook up with anyone, but if I was going to there was a very narrow window. Very narrow this time of year. July, August, I could go all day. January? It's got to be right at that moment when it seems like a great idea but before the very next moment when I think, ugh, I’d have to get out of bed. Long and short of it: if you're not already in bed with me at that moment, that very moment, you're gonna have to wait till spring.
I’m not the only one, either. The other day I was jogging home from the gym, and this Latino kid -- looked kinda trashy in his profile pic, in a wife beater and, like, old-school gym shorts -- pinged me on Grindr from, like, 400 feet away. Didn’t say anything, just sent me a dick pic. It was a nice one. Gay guys, we can appreciate a nice one. I actually think girls can too. Really it’s straight dudes, if there is such a thing anymore, who want us all to believe that there’s no such thing as a gorgeous cock, because they’re afraid theirs isn’t, although they’re all pretty sure it is. You see how they might have an interest in insisting that all cocks are ugly? Because deep down they believe you’re gonna see theirs and be like: ooh, except that one!
Like, take Asiz Ansari. He has this bit in his stand-up routine where he feigns shock that sending dick pics has become such a commonplace. He says, “all dicks look the same! They’re just dumb and boring! No one’s ever gotten a dick photo and been like, ‘wow! it’s so beautiful! It sparkles!’” Oh, honey. That’s what straight boys want you to believe. But then why, if they’re all the same, do we so assiduously hide them from view, even from each other? I mean, what is the (ahem) big (hint, hint) deal? They are not only NOT all the same, they are the exclamation point at the end of the strangled cry: “Life isn’t fair!”
Truth is it’s really not that surprising that human technology has finally caught up with evolutionary biology. I mean, homo sapiens has the biggest penis of all the primates in the first place because he's a big ol' show-off. There’s some serious selection going on for that, and how are you gonna select something if you haven’t even seen it? I mean, who does that? Especially when you’re talking about something that, well, it’s an investment in your future, let’s just say. It’s a big, big deal. How big? Exactly.
Our large penises are as costly to us as the peacock’s tale is to the peacock, as one evolutionary biologist of my acquaintance once put it. Other, less clever creatures might regard our large penis’s cost as a lost-opportunity cost -- after all, the human penis “is large enough that if the same quantity of tissue were instead devoted to extra cerebral cortex” but, yeah, whatever -- we don't think of it that way, possibly because that extra cerebral cortex has gone straight to our dicks, but never mind.
“In effect,” the famous Dr. Jared Diamond says, “man is boasting, ‘I’m already so smart and superior that I don’t need to devote more ounces of protoplasm to my brain, but I can instead afford the handicap of packing the ounces uselessly into my penis.” Uselessly? Dr. Jared’s words, not mine.
This isn’t a little thing, though. We’re talking a fourfold expansion in human penis size beyond its inferred ancestral size over the course of the last 7 to 9 million years. You spend 7 to 9 million years on something, you want to show it off. And don’t act like you don’t think yours is more awesome than your bud’s. Or that you can’t tell one from another.
So, anyway, this Latino kid sends me a dick pic. And it did sparkle. I sent one back -- a glisteny one I had on my phone -- but that was it. I mean, I could easily have ducked into his place right then, but he didn’t suggest it and I didn’t volunteer the idea. I just texted "nice dick" and he texted "u 2" and I kept walking home. 7 to 9 million years wasted.
For me, winter wanking is purely for maintenance, like how you're supposed to maintain a car you're keeping in storage. You know, you have to start it up and drive it for fifteen minutes every two weeks or so. And, you know when you’re not joy-driving, when it’s just to warm up the old engine, you just need a little something to get it going. I found a video on vidster pretty quick. One I know I’d seen before but finding it there waiting for me was convenient. Some days I can be incredibly finicky, and I never find the perfect video, or the perfect moment in the video -- all I need is a good half a minute, long enough to grab the poppers and rub one out.
I’m very auditory when I do poppers with porn. But if they sound like they’re faking anything or if they’re too talky, it destroys it for me. Johnny Rapid did this amazing shower scene -- you know the one -- with Raphael Alencar, who has an ugly face but a beautiful cock, and it’s a hot scene, except that Raphael does this thing that just wrecks every scene he’s in where he keeps asking the bottom, pathetically, “you like that? humm, you like it? You like it? You want it? You like it?” Bitch won’t take yes for an answer. But it’s not just that that seems to be the only English he knows, it’s that he says it in this pathetic whiny tone, like he expects a “no”. I have never seen anyone so undeserving of his own dick.
That whole “you like that?” line of questioning in porn is annoying. First of all, how needy are you that you require constant reassurance, while you’re pounding my ass, that I’m enjoying it? It’s like those pop-up surveys each time you click on the next picture in one of those celebrity web galleries. Like EACH TIME. If I answer YES, I LIKE IT. Will that stop you from asking? NO. No, it won’t. I’ve tried this. You answer them and the next minute they want to know again. They’re really trying to keep their finger, or penis, as the case may be, on the pulse, you know? So, as hot as the fucking in that video is -- and it really is -- it’s a prison scenario and everything -- it’s useless to me. The only way I can watch it, as porn, you know, is if I have another porn going at the same time with the sound jacked up on that one. And, you know, that’s a lot of work for a nut.
And that’s my whole point here. Winter is not the time to have to work for a nut. You should already have gathered them all up for the long, dark slog.