“The Plight of the Wild Recliner” by Dr. Lee Z. Buoy, Ph. D.
There are few things in this world that are more heartbreaking than seeing the carcass of a recliner on the side of a freeway. Though herds of wild recliners could once be seen roaming the hills and forests of the Pacific Northwest, the ravages of deforestation, suburban sprawl, and hunting parties looking to furnish dens and “man-caves” with wild recliner bodies have taken their tolls on this once plentiful species.
Efforts to preserve these beautiful animals have been valiant, but experts estimate that fewer than 150 wild recliners remain in Washington and Oregon. (U.S. Census Bureau reports from the 1890s put the population of stiff back recliners, now extinct, at over 700, and the common, gray recliner was estimated to have a population of over 5,000 animals in that subspecies alone.) As the number humans continues to grow in the Northwest, building roads that interfere with recliner migration patterns and bulldozing the animals’ natural habitats to build housing developments and strip malls, the days left to these majestic creatures are quickly running out.
Therefore, the next time you see the shattered body of a recliner on the side of Interstate 5, its legs broken, its hide torn from its delicate frame, take a few moments to reflect on the fact that each fallen recliner brings us ever closer to the extinction of yet another beautiful species, like the North American curtain and the pygmy teddy-bear, all done in by the carelessness and ego-centrism of mankind (and womankind, too, as one junior colleague of mine pointed out while reading a draft of this paper.) Thank you, and drive safely.
—Dr. Lee Z. Buoy, Ph. D.
(Dr. Buoy has been the Chair of the Department of Contemplation and Colouring at St. Barney’s College, Henpeck, Washington, for nearly eighty-five years. His shoes, to this day, are still brown.)
#writing #fiction #humor #absurdism #conservation