Being a writer, I always have to be onstage, always being a brand. My hope is that Ello can be a more comfortable place where I can be myself, away from the constant feeling of being under a spotlight.
With that in mind, let me tell you about my week. I've placed some kind of mental illness thing--I don't know what it is (maybe panic, maybe OCD)--on the date of October 6th, and I can't shake it. I feel paralyzed by everything that will happen before then, even though there's not very much. I'm being audited by the Utah Tax Commission, but all that I have to do between then and now is send a letter and a check. I have a book launch, but I've done three of those before and they always go well. And then on the 6th I meet with my psych team again (both my psychiatrist and psychologist). And that's it. But I'm frozen by it.
And here's the strange thing. I think I'm getting better; but the thought of getting better is inciting panic in me, because for the past four years, mental illness has been part of my identity. While OCD hasn't gotten better, panic definitely has, and that scares the hell out of me.
And now we're facing a problem that may sideline Erin and I worry that I can't be the caretaker of her that she's been for me. That's one thing I forgot: Oct 2nd Erin is getting two very suspicious moles removed. She has no family history of skin cancer, but these things are acting really weird.
So, hello, Ello. I'll try to keep these post a little more upbeat, but this is what's going on in my mind, and my mind is very sick right now.