unsent letter to a high school crush #1
i don't know what i want to do with you. it's not as if i can just come and break down your door and make you fall in love with me enough to give the compassion i desire. and how cruel would that be of me, to just demand you feel something i know i could never return? but what's a human without selfishness? all i know is that you make me smile and my eyes always find a way to land on you, like a puppy finding it's way back home. i want your attention and affection but i'm leaving and things like that take a long time to bloom. at least you said you'll miss me. i just don't know how to talk to you sometimes because despite what my heart likes to think, i haven't known you my whole life and i'll probably forget your name come next year. i'm so cruel in the way that i pretend to want something and then refuse it when it's mine. maybe i don't really like you after all...but why am i writing about you and dying for your attention and coming up with every excuse just to talk to you? why am i like this? and is it fair to drag you into this horrible mess just to satisfy some animalistic need for companionship? a lot of this is about me, even though my intent was to focus on you. what does that say? am i asking too many questions? what even is it about you that made me stop? i was doing just fine. this isn't even a romantic attraction -- just barely a sexual one and yet? i'm so caught up and confused that i'm filling up a whole page about it and that isn't fair. because if you have any clue at all you might think that i want to be your cute little artsy girlfriend, and honestly i just want to kiss you sometimes...maybe laze around in your arms as you talk about the world from your point of view -- but no romo. and yet the situation doesn't feel platonic with someone i'm interested in; i talk to my girlfriends all the time about life and we cuddle, but there's a defined like in there somewhere that isn't there for you and i can't find it. maybe it's the fact that you're a male and you have a penis and you hit closer to home with my biological aesthetic preferences? maybe it's the person. because i have deep desires to lay around tangled up in rooney mara's limbs and talk about the world. but she's the only biological female i want to do that with and i'm not sure if it's an exception, or just a smaller, less explored part of my aesthetic attraction. and yeah, this is definitely about me now. because if you think about it, the only reason i'm compelled to write something to you is because of something going on in my brain, not yours. you know, unless you experience existential crisises all the time over common crushes, which i highly doubt you do. i mean, you're a wonderful person from what i can tell, but i don't think you quite hit my levels of complexity.