Going into my cancer diagnosis, my wife and I always said life is about quality and not quantity. During my battle with cancer there were more than a few times where I reminded myself of this.
One point sticks out vividly to me now. A neurologist wasn't able to figure out what was causing some of my issues and wanted me to have a lumbar puncture to test the spinal fluid for any signs of cancer. This would indicate that the cancer had passed over "brain barrier". The wait for the test was unbearable. So bad that my wife drove us back home to visit friends and relatives trying to get my mind off of the test and possibility that the cancer and spread to my brain.
What would happen if the test came back positive kept swirling around in my head. I would sit in silence just thinking about how much worse life was about to get. We spoke more about how quality was what mattered to us. After talking about it waiting for the test, we decided that if the test was positive, I would likely quit all treatment and go home to spend my last days as fulfilling as possible.
Luckily that test came back negative, but they later did it a second time to rule out a false negative. That doctor never could explain why I have many of the problems I live with today. The wait before the second test stirred up all of my feelings again, so it ruined another 2 weeks of my life.
Even though I got off relatively easy with my cancer treatment, I still sometimes wonder if I would have been better of not having it treated and being able to end my life on my terms. That probably sounds wild to some, but my cancer destroyed my life. I am not the same person I was before I was diagnosed. I am constantly in pain, I am not as intelligent as I was before, and it has amplified my mental health problems to being unmanageable. My immune system isn't what it should be, so I get to fear flu and cold season each year. I am on disability, so I can't even support my own family. I don't enjoy things they way I used to. I lost who I used to be and am just left with a shell of a person.
Cancer killed me, my body just refuses to accept it yet.