These are the thoughts that sprouted from my bad childhood.
I have been carrying them for years in my head making me believe that I am a
worthless person. If they were trees, they would have grown taller and bigger in my head, and my face would have been stuck in the ground all the time, keeping me from looking to the future with a clear mind and a strong faith.
It all started from the thoughts of self-doubt, insecurity, and fear that I gleaned from the cold relationships that we had in our family. All seven of us, my mother, four sisters, a brother , and I barely talked with each other in a personal level. Each has his or her own world.
I didn't have a close relationship with my mother even with my siblings so I didn't have anybody to talk about things. My father died when I was 11 years old so I haven't had a father figure ever since. I am more of a loner who has been seeking the missing piece in my life.I immersed myself in books trying to find the answers.
I searched thoroughly in my heart and one thing pinches my heart the most-- the lack of attention and care of my mother. This leaves a deep hollow in my life.
What's even more painful, I could only get her attention when she's angry with me about the messy house. That's the only time I could see that I was in her mind at that moment.
One time, while she was taking a bath, she shouted at the top of her lungs "You are all bitches!" . Subconsciously, I believed that. I am a bitch.
In spite of all of these, I am still waiting for her to fill the empty space in my life with love and care. Waiting has been holding me back to live my life to the fullest and discover the world. How could I go on with my life incomplete?
As I grow older, sometimes, I would find myself staring at the blank space. Despite my mother's angsts and my unresolved issues with her, I am still waiting for her to come to me, hug me, talk to me, ask me how I am doing. But, it's too late now. She's already in heaven. May she rest in peace.
I wish I could go back time , hug my younger self, and say…
Everything is gonna be alright.
You are important