The lightheadedness, hand stiffness, and muscle spasms are back today, joining my regular chronic fatigue. Can't really function. The depression probably comes from knowing that these maladies will never be cured or even properly diagnosed--been to dozens of doctors; it's been dozens of years; either I've had that test/seen that specialist you recommend, or my insurance won't pay for it, same old same old, etc....-- Or maybe it's its own thing.
I know why they're back too. Some drunk woman came up and leaned on my shoulder last night. It takes about four pounds of pressure to fuck my shoulder up and bring on the lightheadedness and muscle spasms for weeks. This extreme fragility is a large contributing factor in my general reluctance to ever do anything other than sit on my computer, which I don't really enjoy either. Pain's getting pretty bad now, too.
I can't function when the lightheadedness is active. Can't even think straight. These conditions, I feel, have finally robbed me of myself. I'm not the person I was when I was making friends and writing pop music. I'm not that person anymore.