08:45:00 AM EASTERN TIME
A New York woman with a very ethnic name was arrested outside of a Motel 6, where she was staying, after a plastic bag containing 73 credit cards was found to be in her possession.
The manager reviewed the contents of the bag- in order to locate a potential mailing address for the lost item- and became aware that the names on the cards were both more ethnic, similarly ethnic and/or not as ethnic as the woman who had reserved the room (read: these weren’t the woman’s credit cards); so he called the police.
Upon arrival the police questioned the woman and found that she was, "holding it [the 73 credit cards] for a friend". The woman then proceeded to identify her "friend" as, Mr. X, residing at 666 Devil Terrace Lane.
The woman remained in custody while the police verified her story.
The police arrived at the location and found Mr. X, exactly where she said he'd be, stroking a black cat and fingering the right curly end of a really rather sinisterly manicured mustache.
Mr. X was able to corroborate the ethnic woman’s story, but not before vowing to, “never forget,” and, “get you for this”.
At this point the ethnic woman received $10,000 in reward money, the key to the city and a high paying job in the Mayor’s office as head of credit card fraud and nemesis informant cultivation*.
The card thief’s name was: Rosemarie Jimenez-Torres.
08:47:00 AM EASTERN TIME
The Ex-CEO of a massive, in terms of market capitalization, corporation stepped down as a member of the board of directors due to rumors of, let's call it: indiscretion; opening up a slot for the appointment of some high ranking officer of some other slightly more or less massive, in terms of market capitalization, corporation to his seat. The board will meet a couple of times per year at really high end resort type of places where they will eat well and talk about shit that only matters because we all pretty much explicitly or implicitly believe and act like it does- like software and preservatives and how much we think people will pay for water if it seems like it is running out.
The departing member’s name was: Bill
The replacement member’s name was: Eric
The ethnic woman went to fucking jail where she sits awaiting trial and the assignation of a passionate but clearly inexperienced and overworked public defender who will plea her out just to clear his roster.
She’ll have at least 73 more fraudulent credit cards in her possession the next time she is caught.
She’ll be considered a repeat offender, no one will have seen it coming and will consciously or unconsciously attribute the result to some easily accessible attribute like her brown-ness.
End of story.