I don't know if I am living the right way
people say I'm doing well even at a hard school
my mom is proud of my hard work and effort
my lacrosse coach commends me for a great game
but I think I'm going crazy because I feel like I'm watching myself from the inside out
I look at my grades and see a jumble of numbers that don't mean anything to me
thinking maybe I'll get into my dream school but maybe instead I'll tumble into the ether and get eaten alive because college and life aren't made for the weak
I think I'm going to college but I'm really fulfilling a prophecy
designed by my parents and my counselors who say I can and will achieve
my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to but I don't believe it
because I threw my mind away at the beginning of junior year and instead I learned about the Trail of Tears and the angle addition formula and how to annotate the Great Gatsby because if I want to be a journalist I need to know why the sky is blue
I seek the truth and instead find a textbook from 2003 that has a duct-taped spine and a pencil I found in the hallway
my parents, my friends, my peers say I should be happy because of the privileges life has afforded me
but I am watching myself from the inside out going through the motions as I press a little harder on the gas pedal to get me out of this godforsaken building that crushes dreams and tells you if you want to be successful then sacrifice your sanity
my friends laugh about their depression and the constant anxiety they feel
how they fell asleep at 2 am on their Princeton Review books
because coffee covers up the hours of sleep they didn't get and at night they're haunted with caffeine-induced nightmares
dreams of Harvard but they wake up to the cold reality of walking out to their car at 7:15 am and an acceptance letter from a state school
I have another night alone followed by a night alone
wondering if this is the true teenage experience or if I need a mouthful of smoke and liquor to look back on these days and not feel regret
watching life from Snapchat stories in the comfort of my solitude
and the fear of missing out has turned into anxiety turned into obsession turned into a lifetime of being a spectator
an alarm beeps somewhere in my head and I find myself on the inside again looking out from an alien girl who has isolated herself, watched her life turn to dust just to simply sit there and inhale it
everyone says hi to me in the hallways but no one wonders why I'm wearing my glasses today instead of my contacts
no one's best friend, just another face in a crowd of eighty-five kids who know my cat's name and who I'm dating but not why I'm missing class today
but they say ignorance is bliss and I'll stare at my computer screen until I win another game of solitaire in French class so I can keep up the facade of a normal, high-functioning high school girl until the day I crumble down to my foundation and everyone wonders where it all went wrong.
@ellopoetry
