The Unicorn
(Asheville, North Carolina)
(Tampa, Florida)
4 March 2018
I woke up with a start and felt my heart beating fast - from jerking awake and the dozen or so Red Bulls from the night before. I was in my boxers and the covers were off me. I looked over at Kelly and she was propped up on pillows with a big pillow making a wall between us and her clothes were still on.
My head was pounding and I reached my arm back to the night stand beside her bed and found the glass half full with water. I leaned up and spilled it into my mouth.
Then I heard Kelly lightly snore. And she moved in her sleep.
I looked at the window with its blinds shut and the Florida sun pushing through the spaces.
But at the foot of the bed propped against her dresser her unicorn stared at me.
—
I got a text for Margie that they had thirty minutes or The Imperial Life bar was going to close. I read the text and hurried from the parking garage to Table restaurant across the street. I bounded up the stairs and Margie and her boyfriend / DJ Kirk was sitting at the bar with glasses in hand.
I went to the end of the bar and sat nearest to Kirk. He was sitting beside a beautiful red head who I assumed was another friend of his or his girlfriend. They were in deep discussion about traveling.
Margie saw me and came around the bar and hugged me. “Sorry I was late.”
“Hell we were late. We just got her ourselves. We are going to go One Stop across the street after.”
Quinton the bartender smiled as he was rubbing down a glass he just washed. “Hey man, you want the usual?”
“If there is enough time.”
“Always time for you.” And he went to the business of preparing my non-Vodka Redbull that tasted like Redbull Vodka but with fruit juices.
Kirk was explaining about a time he arrived in Italy with no money and he called his father for funds. And his dad basically told him to look around and a get a job at the airport to get money.
“I thought he was kidding. But then my dad hung up on me.” And he took a swig of his whiskey. “And this was way before September 11. So in those days - there were a lot of people in the airport - and all types of people. So I saw a man sweeping around a deli that was in Arrivals. Note I still had my backpack on. I went straight up to him and asked if I could help sweep. The man barely spoke English. But he understood. And gave me the broom. And so I fucking started sweeping.”
I laughed. The beautiful red head laughed and sipped at her cocktail.
“After I asked them how money I could get for sweeping. They laughed at me. But then they invited me to the back of the deli and offered me their food. So I ate. No money. But I ate.”
The redhead interrupted, “I always think food is better than money.” And she smiled.
I smiled back. “I am Jackson,” I said impulsively and held out my hand.
She extended her hand and we shook. “I am Kelly.”
—
The Imperial Life stayed open later for us. Quinton gave me a drink on the house. Kelly had explained she had been sitting there alone for nearly two hours and was already pretty tipsy.
“I didn’t think anyone was going to come. It was just me, and him,” pointing to Quinton. “And this jazz band. I felt bad if I left because then they would have no one listening to them.”
She also explained that was just passing through. She just ended up in Asheville and just by accident found The Imperial Life.
I told her I had done the same thing nearly four years ago when I would come to Asheville upon arriving Stateside from Asia.
The party was moving. Margie gathered her friends and her boyfriend Kirk, Kelly and I followed and we went across the street to One Stop. It was teeming with people on a Tuesday night. Smokers were outside. The deejays were blaring inside. We walked through the restaurant and before we could get back to the dance floor, there was a hipster, bearded fellow that barked, “Entry fee is five dollars.”
I opened up my wallet and saw it empty. “Do you take credit cards?”
The man pointed to a sign taped to his table written in marker, “Cash only.”
Kelly grabbed me by the shoulder. “You buy me a drink. I got the cover charge.”
“Deal.” I said.
She paid. We got wrist bands. We got stamps. I thought it was a little excessive when all we were going to do is walk five more paces from where we were to order drinks at the bar and push through the dance floor to find a spot to writhe to the rhythm.
Kelly and I yelled a conversation at each other trying to hear ourselves over the music. She was a banker and on a week long holiday. She just jumped in her car and started driving. She had some spots she wanted to hit - Chapel Hill, North Carolina, Charleston, South Carolina. But Asheville was just on a whim.
“Crazy, I was just in Raleigh. I got into a fight with my girlfriend and just need to drive to clear my head.”
“Girlfriend?”
“Well I guess not anymore. Or maybe we were really not dating in the first place.”
“Explain,” she yelled as we pushed up to the bar to wait our turn to order.
“She was married. Technically still married. Not sure when she will officially be divorced. I am here in Asheville and she is there in Manila.”
“Married?” Kelly asked loudly. “Also long distance. That’s a deal breaker.”
“Well not true. If you are unhappy, and you find someone that makes you happy, it’s a deal maker.”
“Unless it’s not official.”
“Anyway. She says I tell the story this way - so people will feel sorry for me. For me to feel validated to not want to date her. Or so I can go around and cheat on her.”
“Are you?”
“Are we?”
“What does that mean?” Kelly asked.
“Well we are not out on a date. I am just running security detail for you.” We were being mashed together as people were pushing forward to order drinks. Most of the people had been there it seemed all night and all were half drunk or double drunk.
“I don’t need a security detail. I can take care of myself. Thank you very fucking much.” And she smiled and laughed. “What are you going to drink?” she asked.
“Vodka Red Bull.”
“Shit you will be up all night.”
“No. I will be asleep soon as i hit the pillow.”
Kelly pushed me back a little. “Let me run this operation. I can get him to get our order first. I am good at this.”
“Well it might be because you are a hot red head.”
“Don’t be sexist.” She winked. “But it helps.” She put her hand up. “So are you with this woman or not with her?” she put out there.
“I am with her. And I looked down at the hair ties on my wrist. They were Xia’s.”
The sweaty bartender leaned across the bar, “What are you guys going to have?”
Kelly looked at me with a “I told you” glare. She then yelled out “Two vodka Red Bulls,” and before she could continue the bartender went off to make the drinks. But she continued anyway, “And… Two vodka tonics.”
“He is too fast.”
“Well congrats on the woman.” Kelly said. “But divorces are messy.”
“You have been married?” I asked.
“Nope. Never been. Never will.”
“Really?”
“No I don’t think we really need marriage. You can just be with someone - for years and years. I mean if you have kids - I think marriage is important. But I can’t have kids. So why do it?”
“I am so sorry.”
She waved it away. “I am not.”
“Cancer?” I asked gently.
“No a little more complicated than that. But too long to explain while screaming.” she said.
When he returned he had the two vodka tonics. Kelly tried to explain that she wanted to order another two drinks. The bartender pointed to another hand made sign behind the bar. “One drink per visible person.”
“Wow they love making signs in this club.” I said.
I handed her my credit card and she passed it on to the bartender. He looked at us and made a circle motion with his hand. “Run a tab?”
We both nodded.
She took her vodka Red Bull. “I guess I will be up all night now.”
“Now we got to dance it off so you can sleep.”
“Or make my arthritis flare up.”
I smiled, “You too? Awesome.”
—
The bar closed in a haze. The music had stopped but the buzzing in our ears was still there. Smoke from the fog machines lingered. People were holding on to each other as they moved towards the front doors. Others angry that they couldn’t one more drink for the road.
“How are you getting home?” I asked.
“You.” Kelly said mater of factly.
“Well good that’s settled.” And we walked out into the cool February air.
“I am parked across the street at the parking garage.”
“Lead the way.” And we walked across together.
We went up one flight of stairs and came out to Paul - my 2003 brown Mazada Tribute. I opened the door for her and then went over to the drivers side and climbed in.
“Promise I am not going to murder you.” I said but then suddenly felt that was a creepy thing to say.
“Well that’s what a murderer would say, wouldn’t they?”
“That’s one of those questions I don’t there is a correct way to answer. Damned if i do. Damned if I don’t.”
I put my phone on the windshield on its mirror connected to a suction cup.
“Can I put my AirBnb address in your phone? I kinda know it and don’t know it.”
“Go right ahead.”
—
I stopped in front of the house that my phone told me to stop in front of.
“Yes this is it.” she said.
I started to get out of the car.
“Hey you want to do a little urban hiking tomorrow and grab some beers after?”
“Sure. Why not? I am not scheduled for anything. I mean I have a conference call with my boss but that’s it.”
And then we began to talk. Talk about our jobs. Talk about running away from something but not sure what it is. Running towards something but also not knowing what it is. Ex-relationships. Hilarious mishaps. Family. And the problems of those. And being half way through your life - and still not knowing what the fuck you are going to do when you grow up.
We stopped talking nearly before sunrise.
“I guess i need to go inside.”
I got out and opened the door for her again. And we hugged.
“See you tomorrow.”
“You mean in an hour or two?”
“Sure okay.” She said. And we hugged one more time and she turned and walked up the gravel driveway.
—
I sat on Kelly’s couch in her apartment in Tampa.
“Is this the craziest thing you ever dared someone to do - and they did it?” I asked her.
She offered after spending a day with me walking around Asheville to come visit her in Tampa. We met in the morning walked, talked until midnight the next day. We ended they day making a promise to meet again. And she put it out there to come to Tampa. After sharing my Spotify playlist with her on her trip home from Charleston - we agreed to make it happen.
And here we were.
Kelly pulled her legs up underneath her. “No. But you don’t want me to elaborate.” And we laughed. Then she pulled a pillow up to her chest. “Remember when we were walking around Asheville and you asked me what truly is the craziest thing I have done?”
“Yes.”
“Well when I got to Charleston it came to me. I made out with a hobo once.”
I laughed so loud and she joined me. “You are shitting me?”
“No. They were playing guitars on the street in Charleston and my friend Mary and I - just started talking to them. They seemed sweet and harmless. And we started hanging out with them. Bought them food. And then before we knew it - we were making out in a car with them.”
“Didn’t they stink?”
“No they were like 20 somethings who were back packing around. So they washed and stuff at the YMCA. So they weren’t like skanky or anything.”
“Not that you know of.”
“Well I had to stop Mary from wanting to fuck the guy she was with. That’s where I drew the line.”
And I laughed again at the absurdity of it.
“So what’s the plan today?” I asked.
“Meeting up with friends for day drinking - and on to Ybor City.”
“I need to also take you to that place i was telling you about in Asheville that’s here in Tampa - that secret spot. I think its near your place. I haven’t been there since 1998. So it’s been a while.”
“Yeah what is this spot? Why is it secret? Why don’t I know where the fuck this place is?”
“You have to be invited.”
“So did you just formally invite me?”
"I guess I did."
"Well let's get this show on the road." And she got up to get ready.
—
It was nearly two in the morning. We were blowing up the gay bar. She was dancing so hard she was pulling the attention from all the cross dressers who were lip synching to Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston.
A gay guy who looked like Agent Phil Coulson from Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D came up to her and they started to dance. I watched and laughed at the mushroom cloud that had become our day drinking into night drinking.
I looked around at the bar to see all the couples - both gay, straight - dancing, kissing, drinking and when I turned around - Kelly was right there in front of me. She looked me straight in the eyes. Something that was not normal for her to do - to hold a gaze straight on.
But here she was. Looking right at me. She grabbed my hand. And then she leaned forward and kissed me. She put her hand behind my neck and pulled me in.
We stood there like two teenagers at a Prom - starstruck.
Then she gave me a sideways smile and went back to dancing with the gay Agent Coulson.
—
Kelly took shotgun seat beside the Lyft driver. I sat in the back. She dozed off several times and then kept catching herself sleeping and jerking awake.
Finally the driver got lost and she woke up to help with the final turn to get him to her place. It was half past three in the morning.
I held her hand and we walked across the driveway and then through the gate of her apartment complex. She swayed as she dug into her purse to pull out her key.
Once we entered we started kicking off our shoes and propping ourselves against the wall to kick off our socks. And without thinking, we fumbled into her bedroom.
I tore off my sweaty shirt and jeans and threw them on the floor.
Then without thinking we began to kiss - and then suddenly like that - we were asleep.
—
I woke up with a start and felt my heart beating fast - from jerking awake and the dozen or so Red Bulls from the night before. I was in my boxers and the covers were off me.
I looked over at Kelly and she was propped up on pillows with a big pillow making a wall between us and her clothes were still on.
My head was pounding and I reached my arm back to the night stand beside her bed and found the glass half full with water. I leaned up and spilled it into my mouth.
Then I heard Kelly lightly snore. And she moved in her sleep.
I looked at the window with its blinds shut and the Florida sun pushing through the spaces.
But at the foot of the bed propped against her dresser her unicorn stared at me.
And I looked again at Kelly sleeping - peacefully and beautiful. She was that unicorn. Strong. Independent. Sexy as hell. Not needing to get married. Doesn’t need a family. As she said, “All a man has to do is be nice occasionally. And fuck me three or four times a week.”
She was the unicorn.
But then I thought about now. I was homeless. I had left my apartment in Colorado Springs. I had a one way return flight to Hong Kong. I worked for a company that hadn’t given me an official employee contract.
I was public enemy of any future job opportunity when they Googled me and all they read from the articles is, “Gary Jackson is a racist.”
I had broke it off with Xia when she loved me deeply. Regardless if she was married or not, we did have a connection. We had met for a reason. And just like that - I said the worst things imaginable to her to break her heart to force her to hate me.
And it worked.
She emailed me once a day now telling me what an asshole I was.
And I looked at my life - especially the last twelve months - the string of broken relationships - all with amazing women. All with the best of intentions. And later reading the pain in their texts, emails - asking me why. Why did I just break it off like it didn’t matter? Like I discarded them like toilet paper.
Like all the words I had said - were all lies. All a big front to get in their pants.
And here I was again.
Beautiful woman in the same bed with me. The unicorn.
And I stared in the eyes of that unicorn that was at the foot of her bed. And the unicorn knew and I knew the same thing - how this would end.
I was Kelly’s hobo 2.0.
And I couldn’t begin to start feeling for her because I would hurt her - like I destroyed Xia.
The worse thing about caring for someone - or loving them - is that they believe in you. The see the you that you could become. And they see the possible future that you were meant to be.
But when you don’t believe it yourself - you start to believe that you with them - will ruin theirs.
The unicorn knew it.
I knew it.
I looked and watched Kelly sleep.
And I leaned over and kissed her on her forehead.
She woke up suddenly. And then groaned - as the hangover hit her. “I want our Italian food.”
“Yes perfect.”
And she got up - pulled and ran her fingers through her beautiful red hair - moving into the kitchen.
I stood up and began to pack.
She didn’t say anything. She focused on microwaving her pasta.
I found my clothes on the floor and pulled on my jeans and my black tee shirt. Struggled getting my socks on.
But she saw me gathering my other clothes, my toothbrush and toiletries. And while she sat on the couch she ate. I stopped for a moment and microwaved my left over lasagne.
I sat at the table with my back to her and ate.
She told me that her girlfriends had all got home safely. We laughed about the night before. And then after eating - she went and put her dishes in the sink. “I am going back to bed.”
I ate and after I washed all the dishes. Trying to do it quietly not to disturb her.
And I went out to my car taking my bags of clothes. And when I came back inside - she was sadly awake and looking at me from her bedroom. She still said nothing.
I went up to her. “I need to go.”
She simply said, “Come lie down next to me for a little while.”
I kissed her forehead again. “Okay.”
And I laid down and she nuzzled against me for a little while. And then she turned her back to me and began to lightly snore.
Then it was just me and the unicorn again.
I must have laid there for thirty or forty minutes - thinking about the disaster that is my life now. And I couldn’t see a way to get myself back on track. Or stop hurting the people I love. And I didn’t want to do it again.
I heard my own heart beating. Maybe probably because of the Red Bull from the night before.
And slowly I pushed off the bed and with muted footsteps - I grabbed my wallet and keys from her table. I put on my backpack. I looked once more at her sleeping.
“I am sorry I didn’t take you to the secret place.” I saw her move when she snored a little. But then she settled back down. “Invitation still open.”
Then I snuck out of her apartment.
I sat in the driveway for thirty minutes - no music, no radio - not looking at my phone - just starring forward. Finally I just got to moving.
I didn’t use the GPS from my phone to get on I-4. I just stayed lost for a long time driving around the Bay.
Finally I saw my phone vibrate. It was Kelly.
“Why did you leave without saying goodbye?”
I didn’t know what to say. But I said the first thing I could think of, “I don’t know. I just had to get in my car and drive. Get away. I know it sounds stupid. I know it was dick move. But I…” And I tried to find the words. “I don’t know.”
Kelly was quiet. She said softly with her scratchy hung over voice, “I understand. Be safe.”
“You too.” And we hung up.
And I suddenly found the on ramp for I-4 East.
