Post entry - 5th April 2018
I've had such a weird week. I've recently gotten myself a new job, in a country I was born into. Although I spent most of my life in another city, I consider myself an outsider in my own country. Everything is still new to me, even though I've been here a few months now. Getting hired in this job is such a grueling process. With the amount of requirements needed and the interview screening, the sheer amount of training and examination needed. And after that, running around like a headless chicken trying to get all the requirements done! It's a very tiring time for me which has drained me physically and emotionally. I need a holiday, bad. Being on my own isn't easy. But it's also exciting times with everything being new.
My love life has been going up and down, for the 6th month now with this one particular person. He's already cheated on me with four different GIRLS while being long distance. When we met, he's been fucking a 20 year old junkie, while meeting me and making future plans while trying to get back with an ex. Of course I didn't know this till it was too late. And how did I find out? Called him one time and she picked up. Classy eh. Less than 24 hours before meeting me, after being apart for a couple of months, he got himself drunk and licked a random pussy in HK and of course hid it from me, until I found out the hard way. Again. How can someone like this look himself in the mirror everyday and not think what a scumbag I am that these three females don't know about the other! A couple of days ago, he's made a big drama, wanting to borrow money from me, it was 11pm my time. I simply said I'll send him some in the morning as all the Western Union branches are closed, then asked what he has done with his income, he's been getting paid twice a month, plus he's got some side gigs. I haven't had an income in months! But I still manage to get by with my bills and I hardly ever go hungry. He got mad when I asked, and had told me I'm making up excuses not to give him money and he just told me to move on and said his goodbye. I just lol'd at him as he said he hates drama yet creates it by himself without my help! Not sure where his money goes though, certainly not on me, or us! But he did say he went to a strip club, saying he tried finding me there. Which I just laughed about. He went to a fake place to find ME. How blind can a person be, if he can't see how special a woman he has in front of him? Surely I'm not the one that would show him my value! He's also been drinking tons, and went on a rampage on me, saying all the vile and disgusting things he can think of, with the sole purpose of hurting me so he won't feel so guilty for being with someone else. By this time, I simply don't care anymore. I did love him. He talks about getting married with each other, when he knew nothing about me, think he's just filling in a position in his life and I was the nth candidate. He's also continuously pushing me for a threesome, telling me this is him, his personality. And that I'm not good enough if I can't participate in something he wants me to do. Hes said most of his exes were bisexual (which is hilarious for me, when he talks about exclusivity and being in a marriage) I've refused to lower my standards for someone I hardly know. Nor do I plan on actually spending a lot of time chasing someone who can't even remain loyal to the one he's with. Here's the kicker. He's 44, not 24. He can do the chasing, as he's the one who keeps on fucking things up. He says he's going to be a great dad, a great husband one day. I just chuckle whenever he would say this. At the rate he's going, he needs to grow up first. He's still a stupid little boy.
Before he came along, I was in a very violent relationship with a German. He beat me four times before I had enough. Maybe four is my magic number. But not in a good way. As for me, I've been loyal to them, haven't bothered with anyone else, I'm not stupid, I guess I'm just hopeful. I choose to see the good in people. I hope that one day they would see what they had and see how bad they treat me and regret everything that made me fall off the cliff because of all the pushing.
I already know I'm an awesome person. I do not need validation from anyone or anything, nor do I need someone else to make me feel complete. I enjoy my own company. Not gonna stoop so low to their level. Their mistakes are theirs. Let them make it again and again. That's their karma. As long as my conscience is clean, as long as I remain positive in my outlook in life, nothing else matters.