My body's energy has been sucked empty by what used to be the common setbacks I faced; from the fights, pain, confusion, to stresses at work, to the end of a relationship. In my line of work, I have learned to treat issues such as stress, anxiety and grief with flower essences; lavender and chamomile in particular. I realized, after moving back in that that is because that's how my mother smells like. I cannot tell you how warm smelling her felt.
My mother was on the warpath towards my ex weeks before I toddled over to the “anger stage.” As the fuckery of our breakup unfolded, I kept bleating pathetically, “But he just needs to talk to someone! He’s so confused!,” while my mom could see what was what. Even though I really was afraid that Mom was going to slap him across the face when he cut himself on the wrist in front of her after the breakup, I felt cared for and protected by the loyalty within her anger and frustration. It took time for me to feel protective towards myself — instead of just shellshocked or sad — and once I did, I felt much-deserved coo-coo-bananas rage against the shit that went down, too.
I am home. More than once my poor father has sat, hands clasped, on our couch and told me that he hopes he could have been there for me while I was falling apart. But he doesn't realize that in a turbulent couple of months, they were my only source of strength; him, mom, my siblings, my dog even. I didn't have any friends, my ex made sure of that. It isn’t so easy for a edging-towards-elderly parent to show love and support to their 23 year old child but it has been incredibly humbling, as a young adult, to be loved and cared for by my parents in one of the most difficult passages of my life. I have also made new friendships and I feel above and beyond blessed. They are intelligent, thoughtful and different in so many ways, and although some are more special to me than the others, there’s so much love emanating from all of them and for that my heart is grateful. Right now, my friends' protection and acumen, my parents’ house and the love inside it are my refuge.
I smiled at the sight of my closet filled with things from my childhood. Poems, tons of sheet music, stories, cassette tapes, my Harry Potter collection, three scrapbooks, photos and a lot more. I was so passionate, I was beautiful. I have grown up and matured and that may be a positive thing for most of us, but I felt upset for missing the whole thing. Like I skipped the cut-scene of when I was supposed to be hanging out with friends, growing up, nurturing myself and having fun to the part when I have to deal with the battles of being an adult. It was so painful at first but the more I thought about it, the deeper my understanding that I now have a healthier state of mind and I should do better.
I know life treated me bad and I made the worst decisions of them all before, but the only thing that is making me cry while I am writing this is knowing that it is not too late for me yet.
Although some parts of me will forever be damaged, I know I will be fine. I am not even sad anymore. This new chapter is exciting.