The Parable of Zombie Jesus
How does one prepare for a zombie apocalypse?
Love the zombie as you love yourselves.
Do not barricade your homes or prepare your shotguns, for whoever inflicts harm upon a hapless, cannibalistic corpse also inflicts harm upon our Lord and Savior. Did he not rise from the grave after three days and was greeted with love and adoration in spite of his wounds?
The Messiah was also a noble zombie – the first of his kind to ascend into the heavenly paradise that awaits the living dead.
If a zombie knocks on your door, open it for him. Treat him like a long lost brother, kiss his cheeks and wash his feet, for he has come from a long journey and is hungry for flesh. Give these beautiful, shambling monstrosities your children as appetizers, your wives and husbands as main courses, your in-laws as desserts, and if they remain unsatisfied, offer them your arms, your limbs, your brains. They need these things more than you do, you who have squandered your entire lives in the wasteland of ignorance, vanity and laziness that you have so proudly called modern civilization.
Remember that zombies love all creatures indiscriminately. For them, there is no race, no nationality, no religious prejudice. There is only food, glorious, glorious food.
Observe as they work together to overcome fortified cities filled with frightened civilians. See how these humble masses of rotting flesh parcel the spoils of destruction equally amongst themselves. Is it not admirable to see the dead engaged in such joyful brotherhood?
Heed these words – the zombie is our Counterpart. Our Enemy Brother. He is the darkness in our eyes when we catch our reflections in muddy pools of water. He is the tiredness in our arms when we lie down to rest. Always he exists in the ashen half-light between waking and dreaming.
If you see him waiting in a darkened alleyway, beckoning for you to approach, ask yourselves – what would Jesus do? What would Jesus do?
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