A lot has changed since the last time we talked. I used to get sad then too, but I believed that I was someone worth knowing. I believed I could make friends. I felt useful. I seem to have gone back in time to when I was a child and the world was dark. People put me down, told me I was dirty, worthless and I thought I would give anything to be normal. I had hope. I could grow up and be okay.
I was. Okay but hiding. I went back college in an attempt to face reality.
My second time in college I didn’t worry about taking a major that would make me happy. I didn’t believe there was one. Instead I took accounting because I knew I could get a job. I thought that facing the prospect of having no time anymore because I was working would motivate me to chase my real dreams, but it only made me busy.
When I graduated and realized I had to face the prospect of getting a job I started running. My running shoes were alcohol. A little at first to take the edge off. Then too much. Every night too much. I managed to do my job still but I began to really fail as a parent, as a wife, as anyone worth knowing. The more I realized this the more I wanted to drink.
Then I started seeking ways to stop and thought I made friends but I really didn’t. The rejections started to pile up again, just like I was a child.
I almost lost my daughter.
And I knew I had to stop drinking. Only two months now and it feels like an eternity.
I don’t believe I’m worthy of being anyone’s friend. I know the secrets of happiness but I can’t apply them. And I can’t talk to you anymore. How I wish I could just talk to you and maybe somehow everything would be okay.