For the last two days I’ve been driving home with a death grip on the steering wheel because I want a drink so bad. I have that feeling in my body, that pressure that makes life seem just a little bit unreal. I associate that with alcohol now because that’s how I feel when I’ve been drinking too much at night for a few days. It’s like a longing in the tissues of my muscles. The only thing that eases that pain is more alcohol and then the cycle continues. If I don’t give in the feeling will go away in a few days, if I give in it lasts for months, but oh, when the feeling hits logic doesn’t matter. The oblivion right now feels like it’s worth whatever tomorrow brings.
I wish that I had written to you last week. Last week was like a miracle. I actually felt energetic and hopeful, and I feel like I only write when I’m struggling. Not that I’m sad now, my mind is not sad but my body is, and right now my mind is winning the war.
My mind is hopeful. I’ve been working on the edit of the novel at last. It’s slow because I don’t have as much experience editing as I do writing. When you write people say ‘Don’t be afraid to write crap, that’s what editing is for. ‘ Okay, but what if you are editing and you know it’s still crap. Better crap, but still crap. Is this when you stop and meticulously form every sentence or do you just get it better and then plan to make another pass? The first chapter took me a week to edit, and it only took me a few days to write. The third chapter is going much faster but I realized I wasn’t fixing as much. It’s like I get to use to my own writing and stop fixing as much as I need to.
I wish that I had not given up on myself and my writing all those years ago. If I had continued even though I knew I wasn’t very good I would be better by now. With each novel that I write I learn more about what works for me and what doesn’t. Most have never seen an edit, and that’s a problem, because I think I’m learning even more about writing editing than I do writing. Write crap… yeah, okay, but how do you improve if you are only writing crap? You don’t learn to form good sentences and stories that way. You only learn to write more crap.
#depression #alcoholism #writing #editing #letterstomyself