Six years old is too young to know fear
I was six years old
A teacup human
Shattered in grandmothers basement on Christmas Eve
"Uncle Uncle, where are we going?"
"Hush it's a surprise"
I no longer like surprises.
I was hushed every step down the stairs,
Hushed into the room
Hushed onto my back
He hushed my face into his fist
Hushed my head into the back board
Silenced me with a look
There was nothing in his eyes but hunger.
He wanted to devour me
Destroyed this little teacup human
Filled my insides up until my edges broke
Legs that were never flexible bent backwards
Shoulder popped out of socket in one thrust
Popped back in with the other
Little teacup human
Mouth wide open but nothing would come out
I screamed so hard my ears rung but no noise left me
It was my soul I heard
My soul was rattling around in my body, my empty husk of a body
Filling up with poison.
It's just a body, my mind can leave it, so I tried
Tried to float up, to leave this shattered vessel
Was flat on my back now, petrified.
Porcelain shards strewn carelessly across the red splattered sheets
Uncle playing with the shards
I wish he'd cut himself on one.
Time passed, or it didn't.
I didn't care, I couldn't feel,
My vessel was numb, nerve endings fried, nothing but a dull ache between my legs,
Uncle left, the hunger in his eyes finally abated, for now.
It swoll up in my stomach like a tsunami I tipped my handle over and everything poured out, even when there was nothing left the handle stayed tipped,
I stared at the white carpet floor, didn't want to see the crimson splattered sheets, the innocence splattered sheets,
I lay there trying to figure out how to breathe, how to fill my lungs with air even though my mind desperately didn't want to.
Every Christmas, little teacup human, broken.
Returns home and paints over crack lines.
Until finally, they began to show.
Little teacup human was broken six times.
Femur, shin, right wrist, left arm, collarbone, ankle.
Uncle liked it rough.
Wasn't till I started spouting blood in middle of night
Hospital lights revealed internal bleeding, and external beatings.
Uncle paid two years for every break.
Uncle will soon be free.
My little porcelain heart quakes at the thought.
Took one year to properly walk again.
Took two years to leave bedroom.
Took three years to speak.
Took four years to allow mirrors in house again.
Took four and a half years to look in them.
Took five years to smile without feeling like I'd crack.
Took seven years to have friends who didn't only see the cracks.
Took nine years to not see them myself.
Now this little teacup human has found a set, and it came with super glue.
And all the cracks show.
Just the way I like them.
#writing #poetry #memories