on the topic of tonight;
it's been quite a hot minute since i last felt shitty enough to justify using this, but here i am anyway. i'm rubbing tears out of my eyes and i'm pretty sure it's not crying but it's close enough nonetheless. i feel like mia, at the end of so long, boulder city, and i feel like shoving someone how she shoved sebastian after he came by too late. shitty comparison, but it encapsulates how i feel nonetheless.
i don't know why, but i'm back to feeling that same kind of loneliness and isolation i felt back in sophomore year, right after sam and i broke up. over the course of junior year i was hoping i moved past that feeling and made better, closer friends instead of being hung up on the loss of sara, gage, sarah, kei, whoever the fuck but i guess not—
this is such a messy tangled knot of feeling and i fucking hate it. i wish i wasn't so nostalgic and attached to my damn history, i wish i could just cut them off and stop caring but there's too much sentimental value there. they honest-to-god don't care about me, so why do i stay watching those snaps and feeling left out when they're all together?
mia at the end of so long, boulder city. that's so apt.
too bad i don't have a home in nevada in front of the library to run back to and a guy who loves me enough to pick me back up.
how fucking awful is it that the person who's hurting you asks to talk and you can't tell them that they're the goddamn problem?
“i really wanted to stay and see it but I was having my first panic attack in months”
“it's fine i apologize would you like to talk about it”
i'm hurt. and bitter. that's pretty much it.