Georgie and I can make coffee on Friday. We are just back from the GP, this morning.
The GP did say in front of Georgie that she would like to see my groins. Not an unexpected request as I think about 313 nurses have seen my groins and the groin precincts in the last week. I might suggest that next time they photograph my groin area and butt and stick them up behind my bed so that casual passers-by can avail themselves of a not to be missed opportunity. Whilst a solid 100% of the opinion put me in the fairly disappointing category, it was amazing the effort that people put in to see them, it, them and it.
Having a catheter removed was interesting. I haven't been drawn and quartered yet, but I would put it only marginally below that. As the Nurse said, "Ah that feeling like your intestines are being ripped out through your Willie is actually the rubber bulb of the catheter still deflating", "Yes, that would be it" I said, “Shame not to let it deflate completely, but time is of the essence I suppose!”. This was the same Nurse that accidently kicked my catheter pre-sponge bath, so that any thought of thankfully slipping into a coma was wrenched from my consciousness. lf you have ever wondered how a big bull can be lead around by a ring through the nose, believe me when I say I could have happily been led over a 1000-foot cliff into a sea of piranha infested sharks had someone holding my catheter directed me thus.
Only one check was needed before I was discharged. Someone must have heard I was leaving the building and had not seen my groins. So, "Just have to take the stitches out of your groins and spray this clear sealant on them. There might be some heat too." Might implies a possibility, so I was in with a chance of a free ride. Some heat, yes, weak as water, woohoo, this will be a breeze!
Stitches out, woohoo, no problem. Then she sprays the sealant. Yes, oooo, a tiny bit of heat, big, big deal, let me out of here, Home free. Adios Amigos. So, I am lying there smiling and I feel a small quantity of sealant pooling and then suddenly runs down my groin and drips on to my left Nut Sundae. The Volcanic wrath of Thor is unleased on my Sundae and I am all but screaming into my pillow. I curl up in extreme agony for a full minute. At the end of which, I walk towards the white light back into the room and consciousness, my left Sundae is now an Igneous rock, blistered, black and smoking.
The nurse is a tad miffed at my sudden desire to curl up and have a minute’s rest in the Foetal position. "Ah that stuff was ok but the overspray hit the old Jazz Crackers, could we avoid that when you spray the next groin?" I said. "Sure, no worries" she says. I lie back safe in my knowledge that time and healing will deliver me, until I hear. "
Bugger". I tried to grab her by the collar and say "Quick call an ambulance", but I only got to turn half way before Volcanic ash rained on my parade and once again I was in fatal foetal 101 for another joyous minute.
Georgie thought I looked a little drained when she came to pick me up. l'm not a whimp, I have withstood stone fish barbs, kidney stones, etc.
But nurses, please don't send me back to the nurses, please.
Coffee would be great. Friday ok?
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