she doesn't love me anymore. she calls me selfish when i touch her. my safety doesn't concern her, my happiness doesn't concern her. she uses me. for food, for drugs. for her ego. she lies. i think i'm dead. i don't know how she wants to be treated. last night she was lying on my bed, drifting. i put my arm around her and said, 'you used to get annoyed at me for never taking initiative. now i do, you call me selfish.' 'yes. so?' 'so, what do you want from me? don't you get anything from me?' 'no, i don't.' i withdrew. ten minutes later she pulled me back. why? i'm sick of being left to wither, spat on, expected to grow. i love her. she is ambiguous. and it is draining.