Today was brutal, but also engaging. I'm trying to piece together a complicated report from several sources. I was hoping to finish today, but it took longer that I would have liked. I'm still playing catch-up. I dragged my feet going to work today. No kids to drop off. So I got in late, then worked like a fiend until I had to leave at 5:45. I miss the old days when I could work as late as I wanted to! At the same time, it's good for my mental health to leave work and come home to engage with the kids.
I brought work home, but I really try not to work on the weekends. The weekends are for decompressing. But I find the task I'm working on now to be engaging, so maybe I'll try it when I'm not dealing with a million other things. I like puzzles. But I need a moment(or a couple of hours) of quiet now and then to put them together.
My poor daughter is sick. Her dad took her to the doctor. She'll live, with a good dose of antibiotics.
I had a great meditation this morning. I truly appreciate everything about my life. Even when my ex called in the middle of it and yelled me. He was on edge about my daughter (who he decided to take to work with him in the city and stash her in his office while he moderated a panel at a conference. I told him it would be better for her to wait at home (my house). Anyway, he got all upset and started yelling and generally being abusive. Eventually I just hung up on him. And then I finished my mediation session, my calm undisturbed. I've accepted that he's going to do what he's going to do. He's not a happy person and he's looking for someone to blame. I seem to be that person. I feel very removed from his anger and anxiety. To the point that I didn't even think about it until now.
Old me would have reached for a drink. Three years ago today, I started moving towards the person I am now. I liked old me, but I didn't love old me. Now, I love both old and new me. It was a bumpy road, which took me to the edge of a cliff or two, but I managed to save myself over and over again.
Now, when I see others talking about how difficult they're finding life, I don't feel sorry for them. I feel hope and encouragement. Because if I can do it, so can they. I don't need to try to make anyone feel better (though love and support for their process are always in my repertoire). I think to find happiness, you have to truly own that you're solely in charge of it. I found that challenging. I kept looking to other people and circumstances to explain why I couldn't be happy. Then I decided I wasn't going to let those things I couldn't control tell me how happy I could be.
It's a selfish standpoint, in that I look first to my own happiness. As I told M recently, it's like trickle-down economics, only in the love department. Love yourself, and your love for everything and everyone else is easier to share. (I'll admit there are some people I'm still working on. Or intending to work on. Intending to intend on working on...)
People who aren't happy see you happy. They'll have all kinds of feelings about it. It'll come out in weird ways. Like with my ex. It's so much easier now to see that what those people are doing and saying need not affect me. I just wish them the same self-love and happiness that I've found. And let them fend for themselves. See, selfish-seeming. But really, how will they know what they're capable of unless, like me, they're forced to go find out?