Tonight's sunset. I didn't have much to say tonight. Actually, I have a lot, but it's all intertwined and moving around. I can follow the threads, but trying to sort them out for someone else, in writing at least, is too complicated.
In general, I'm far more focused on myself than I have been in past. Which is good. Happy, whole, engaged with life "me" will contribute a lot more than lost, searching, fighting for, and with, life, "me* could have.
I'm not doing a ton. Seeing friends, riding, cooking, taking care of my house (bought a carpet steamer today), playing with the kids. Work.
That's going well. It's not been an easy road. I was a stay-at-home mom for 12 years, then another 2.5 years of trying to find work. Any work. No one wanted to hire me. So I really had to create something out of nothing. I'm enjoying it, and it's going well so far, after an initial growing-pains phase. It's incredibly gratifying and a huge confidence booster that I've been able to do this.
I don't, logistically, know exactly how I did it. I just kept doing the next thing that seemed to make the most sense at the time, then suddenly I have several loans in the works and a number of potential other deals. People contact me to ask about me if I miss one of my regular networking groups. I'm on people's radar. Out of nowhere...I have a real job. And I'm the one who did it. None of this would be happening except that I kept picking up the phone, going out and meeting people, and being open to whatever comes of it. Even of that means I fall on my face now and then. All part of learning. And, including getting hired by my company.
I had to create that position for myself. And now, when they can't loan directly, my company is sending me loans to broker, as I've made some good lender contacts along the way. It's a lot of hard work. But I'm my own boss. No one can tell me what to do or where to focus my efforts. I don't have anyone looking over my shoulder. I don't owe anyone any loyalty, other than that demanded by common decency and my own nature that loves a win/win situation and for everyone to be happy. If I don't work, I don't make money. Sometimes I work, and I still don't make money! But over time, I can see how it's coming together.
When I look back to June, four months ago, I can see just how far I've come. I have a long way to go, of course; and it's the kind of work where you're always learning. But I'm meeting great people along the way, and starting to feel more comfortable in general. This is the kind of work you can do anywhere, and it meshes well with having other time-consuming interests. It's the perfect place for me to be in right now. Whether it's "the Universe" or good instincts, the right thing always seems to show up at the right time. I'm learning how to relax into the flow. Not the time for romance? Fine, (not really, but I'm trying to be fine!) I'll focus on solidifying my work position and finances; get in better shape and find my soul again on the back of a horse, and enjoy time with my precious little ones while they're still into hanging out with Mommy.
Relaxing into the flow isn't my strong suit, but it's either that or be forced into it with some unwelcome event. So I'm choosing the "easy" way for once.