New, to me, band. I like their debut album a lot. Here's a song from it: https://youtu.be/PdJhmSrU-FY. The Universe abhors a void. Or so I've heard. I hope so. I've reached a place where I've let go of a lot of things. Some of which I can't talk about because I promised not to. (It's really hard!) But, I finally, at last, after really struggling and making no progress, have been able to complete building up boundary walls that I sadly lacked. It really has nothing to do with other people. It's more about knowing what I want and accepting that I won't get it. I not angry, hurt, happy, glad or anything. I was just not willing to accept anything less than respect and kindness. Nothing is better than the wrong thing. So now I feel this uncomfortable emptiness that feels really unfamiliar. Except that it's not. It's something I experienced before. It's not bad, just different, which is what makes me uncomfortable. And that discomfort in the past has made me run back to repeat old patterns and ways of interacting that I knew weren't healthy. I just wasn't willing to sit with the void. So I closed my eyes to what I needed to see and stayed in that never-ending unsatisfying track. When I meditate on it, I see myself on a vast grassy plain. There's a mountain-range behind me, shrouded in fog. I got there by taking a step at a time. But now I've come so far there are no familiar landmarks to guide my way back, even if I wanted to. But for once, I have no desire to retrace my steps. I know I'll never get what I want if I don't continue to move forward. I'm alone, but not lonely. I know I have companions. They're just not there right now. (In the vision, in real life I know I do have friends around me.) I think this is a time to sit and fully comprehend that I'm perfectly safe where I am. That moving forward and discovering new ways of being is the next phase of my evolution. In fact, it's been a few days since I noticed this void and also noticed that I wasn't rushing to fill it for the first time ever. I already feel more comfortable. It really is a strange place to be. I can see where even six months ago I had a desire to reach out and demand things that were missing within me from other people. I've always been fairly live and let live. Unless I wanted something. Then I spent a considerable amount of energy noticing that I wasn't getting what I wanted. Not that it ever solved anything. Just wore me down and side-tracked me from more productive things. Now, I truly see that I already possess everything I need. (So do you, it's just that the pieces get scattered around and you have to go find them. Searching can be quite a chore.) And now I've made space for the things I want to come. We'll see what happens. S is talking to me again (it is much nicer being able to see a smile on his face when he looks at me! That makes me happy.); M has become a great friend, which also makes me really happy; work is finally starting to smooth out; kids are off to a good school year; I'm riding a lot these days...All is well and on a good trajectory. Yes, I do still freak out about things. But I'm so pleased that in general, while I'm still the same person, how I go about the world is completely different from a year ago. I feel relaxed and chill most of the time. It's my new resting state. Far better than my old resting state of anxiety and dissatisfaction.