I think I've reached the anger stage of grieving. Let's hope this passes quickly.
I don't know what made me the focus of his intense scrutiny, judgment and need for control. I do know that now I'm out of it, I'm retroactively reacting like a normal person would have to his bizarre pronouncements.
He regularly told me that I was a terrible person, and why he thought so. (Almost all stuff that never happened or was way off base about what I was thinking.)
I put up with it knowing they were insane ravings brought on by mental illness. But it was too much. I should have walked away shortly after it started. I kept hoping he'd take a hard look at his obvious circumstances and explore why things were going the way they were. Well, you know I struggled with what to do. I'm glad it's over and that I finally just left.
Now, I need only repair the damage and make sure I fix anything within myself that made me try to operate within that dynamic. To be fair, I've already done a lot of work.
I, the non-bridge-burner of all time, did have to reach a certain point of "enough's enough" in order to walk away entirely. I should make one of those "Why I Stayed" PSAs.
I'm actually not supposed to write about or talk about him to anyone. I did promise. But, well, he's not supposed to be a fucking asshole who tears me down by text, email and in conversation. We all have our failings.
I feel less angry already. Anger has its uses. In this instance, it allows me to see through the love I have for him in order to recognize and reinforce boundaries I needed to set for myself.
Anytime I think of letting him back in, I have MANY memories to draw from about why that's a terrible idea.
Feelings are complicated. The trick is to use them for information, but not get mired in them. Some of them are really unpleasant to feel. I'm getting better at just letting my feelings be, and asking why I'm having them; as opposed to not liking them and trying to escape.