This weekend was hella-busy. But enough about that. I've had so little time to think, but a big part of that is because 1) I was really quite ill and just trying to keep it together; and 2) I got a little lost in the new job thing and forgot to look at the bigger picture.
It's in my nature to throw myself into whatever I'm doing with all my effort. I like doing the best I can at whatever I try. And that usually works out well for me as far as accolades and recognition. Usually. I've certainly had circumstances where it didn't matter how hard I tried, I wasn't going to get the appreciation I wanted and probably deserved. But, that's water under the bridge now, and I don't look at things the same way that I used to. In general, my worldview is a lot broader than it used to be. But in this instance, I found myself falling back into old habits of losing myself in the work. As in, start to base my identity, just little, in my role, and how I filled it. Whoa Girl!
I pulled myself back somewhat and noticed I was getting more involved than was good for me. I need to keep my eye on the big picture, while still working with what's right in front of me. I think how to do that is going to be a whole new subject for me to study. Maybe it won't be all that hard. I'm trying not to build assumptions into it.
Tonight, I went to walk the dog, and my eye fell on Orion, perfectly framed by a tree. For some reason, whenever I look at the night sky, I'm always drawn to that constellation. Whenever I see it, I feel at home. I thought about how I'd be able to see it no matter where I was in the world (it's visible from both hemispheres) and still feel a little bit at home. And then I thought about how it would feel to be returning from space, and see Earth, and realize at a visceral level that the whole planet is home.
It made me remember that I don't need to be concerned about petty office politics and what the office manager should or shouldn't do, because I've chosen a life that's a lot bigger than an office, then home, then maybe a vacation or two a year...the world is such a big place, and I'm a citizen of it. I knew that, but being back in familiar-from-long-ago territory made me forget it for a bit. I think buried in my psyche was the idea I am a "hard worker, and smart", and that old ghost from careers past started to want to be heard. But I'm finding that isn't satisfying anymore as an identity.
Identity in general is less important. Right now, it's more about what do I want to create and to experience. So it's fine to enjoy this job, but I also need to remember who I am and what I want. And I need to look up from my office desk and see the vast horizons in front of me. I have so many plans! Time to move forward with those. That makes my heart sing, and that's what I need to be doing. Office politics suddenly became a non-issue. Like waking up from a dream.
I instantly physically felt better (still not 100%, but closer), I felt joyful, and grateful for my tribe that's slowly gathered around me these last few years, and that I know will continue to grow. (Yes, Ello peeps, you're in it. This is important creative soil for me. I appreciate everyone who listens, even if sometimes it's just the ether!). I felt excited about the future and energized for my week.
I'll write a lot more about this in the coming weeks. I'm still putting together how to walk in both worlds, like a metaphysical toddler.
If you happen to see Orion, think of me and wish me luck.