Tonight's sunset happened while I was driving. I could have taken a picture of where I was just prior, but it just would have been of some of the ranch structures and tractors. I was the only person there this afternoon. I sat for awhile on one of the benches after my ride (which went really, really well). I love evenings like that. It so quiet I could hear a bird rustling in the brush down by the creek 200 feet away. I love those moments.
I don't know what I would have done the last 5 years without the horses and that ranch. I moved the horses there a month after my husband told me he didn't love me anymore. (I just wrote and erased a long paragraph about that. Old news. I don't love him at all anymore. I even have trouble respecting him sometimes.) Anyway, at the time, it was devastating. I didn't know it was going to the best thing that could possibly happen for me, if not for the kids. Being out there saved my heart and mind. And now, I sit quietly and rest after the storm.
In fact, resting is the theme of the day. At the end of my meditation this morning I asked what I should focus on. Resting. I had a vision of me busy in the kitchen (wearing an apron!) with pots boiling and pans sizzling, and protesting as I was ushered out, my apron removed, and told to lie down on the couch and rest for awhile.
At first I kept trying to get up and help. After a while I was able to lie back an put my feet up for a bit. But I felt guilty. Kind of like I'm doing now. Photo below. (Yes, I haven't put the shakers and wines glasses away. I should get around to that, but I honestly never notice them unless someone is over and needs to use them.) In fact, the reason I'm doing this now instead of going to LS is that I run around all the time and rarely take a long, luxuriously empty night to myself unless I'm so exhausted I know I'm about to drop.
Tonight I had plenty of energy, had a good night's sleep, a busy day of getting work and other things done (but resting on the couch per the exercise in the sense that I didn't worry about outcome, just that I did the thing that needed doing for the next logical step to be possible,) and had a whole empty evening. All chores done around the house. All work completed for the week. No children to feed and entertain. Just me, and nothing to do that I didn't want to. I wanted to go to LS, but, in honor of this exercise, I made myself stay home and play. It's gotten easier as the night progresses and I've relaxed into the idea.
I went for a swim, made an amazingly good dinner (I love to cook, even for myself), turned on the fireplace and lit a scented candle, read a fun fiction novel, now listening to music and typing this. Soon I'll walk the dog and go to bed to read until I can't keep my eyes open. My idea of heaven. (Though you'll notice my idea of heaven has a lot of different things going on. This is one aspect.)
I had all kinds of things I thought about writing about today, but that's the one the flew from my fingers. (Why there are always typos. I'm not a very good editor of my own writing. It's my curse. Once the writing's over, I'm impatient to move on to the next thing. Auto-correct is my frenemy.) So I suppose this lesson about letting things simmer along without me once in a while is the thing about today that will stick with me. A good lesson to remember. I'm curious about how it will affect the rest of my weekend. It's moderately busy. I'm headed to the barn to ride and hang out with my fellow riders tomorrow (it's a great group of people out there. I really enjoy their company), then a friend's coming for lunch Sunday. Will consciously taking time for myself even though I didn't really feel a need for it change anything about my experience? Perhaps it's cumulative, like, I should do it more often. Probably.