Took some time this morning to rest and reflect. Back in old my haunts. I brought a bunch of work home with me, so can get some stuff done here, then I'll go into the office this afternoon.
Here's what I know about myself. I don't do well with other people's rules. I'm willing to accomodate for expediency, but as far as throwing myself into things, I need to honor myself, and have those who are close to me honor my unique contributions as well. That hasn't happened in the past, and won't happen here. Before, I turned and twisted and tried to tell myself it didn't matter. I could deal. Not this time.
When the time comes (and it needs to come soon, because I'm ludicrously underpaid at my current rate) I'm going to negotiate a consultant role. This would probably work for them, as it's a blended entity, with two different principals. Both who I like personally, and have a great deal of respect for what they've each accomplished. However, I need to be free to be me.
Being myself works great in sales. Not so great as part of this particular company. I'm actually fine with that, as long as I'm a free agent. It will be much easier for me to accomodate their particular needs and wants if, from an emotional standpoint, I approach it as giving the customer what they want, as opposed to an employee who's required to adhere to "my way or the highway" rules.
I'm going to search out other clients. I'm also going to search out my fellow team members. A loosely connected group of people with common goals, who support and compliment one another. And celebrate the individual style of one another.
This could work. It will work. I just need to keep headed toward the better-feeling thoughts, and I'll get there.