Long time no speak, Ello. I haven't been in a place where I felt like saying anything that wasn't ever so slightly, or a lot, whiny, about work. I didn't want to drag anyone else down with me. The heat wave didn't help either. I dislike extreme (97°F in the shade) heat. The last two days have been autumnly 70°F. Much better.
Many good things have happened to me. Earlier in the week I was chillaxing in the shade (hotly, and not in the good way) on the top tier of the amphitheater steps outside my office. In a good, relaxed mood despite the heat.
A man in a suit walked by, looked up, and said hello. I finally realized it was one of my fond business acquaintances whom I hadn't seen in a few months. He sincerely meant it as a complement when he told me he didn't recognize me at first. He said I looked like an under-grad vaping in the quad. I suppose I did. I was quite carefree at the moment, as my boss wasn't there, and I knew I could not work in peace.
Other people have called me as well, out of the blue. Things are moving along, though I can't see too far ahead.
That's been my real work this week. Being happy with where I am, without getting mired in fear that I'll be "stuck" forever, or running away to ensure that.
This job is really a fine place to hang out while I watch to see what falls into place. Sometimes I forget that. Being a temp has its advantages; as when I do leave, it will be with no hard feelings. They'll get that I wouldn't want to stay there forever as a temp. I won't have to explain that being an office manager isn't my real passion. I suspect they already have that figured out anyway though.
Today I was really having a tough time. I want to enjoy my days, even if it's not doing exactly as I'd wish. I found myself having to try hard to be positive, and fighting thoughts of feeling trapped and unappreciated. So I took a two hour lunch, went home to my lovely clean apartment (even the kids' room is still clean. They've worked at it, with hounding from me) meditated for awhile, took my dog out for a short walk in the beautiful weather, started to feel more at ease, and felt it was safe to return to work.
Once there, I rearranged a few things in my office to make it more pleasing to me, and suddenly felt downright joyful.
Whew! Sulking child phase successfully navigated. This afternoon I got some more phone calls out of the blue about other work (in real estate development). They were fun because I wasn't attached to the outcome. I was already happy, for no reason other than that I'd decided to be. Though of course, even though I'm determined to enjoy my time here (come Hell or high water) I plan to move on to other things as soon as the right opportunity presents itself. I'll know it when I see it. I'm still in the fence about that one developer....we'll see.
All in all, I feel more comfortable waiting it out a while longer in a job that I know fairly well now, with co-workers who are fabulous, and that isn't something I'd feel guilty about leaving.
It's been a roller-coaster week. All internal. Lots of big emotions. Nothing bad happened. A lot good happened, and I learned a lot about how my perspective determines whether and how I enjoy my day. I also learned it's important, and very fortunately feasible, to take the time I need out of my day to get in the right head space.
Good work, Self. I'm glad we had all those hard talks.