Tonight's sunset. I took a few minutes to sit and enjoy country life in the midst of my errands.
I had a calm but productive day. I was really sleepy, as I always set my alarm to 5:30am on school mornings so I have time to meditate. But I didn't go to bed until after 1:00am. It's hard being a night owl. I don't have insomnia. When I close my eyes, I'm generally asleep within 5 minutes. Well, I'll get a little more sleep tonight.
We took down the Christmas tree tonight. I still have to clean up and put the other decorations away. For some reason, I was really sad to see this particular season end. I think it's because it feels like the end of the old order, and the beginning of a new era. I'm looking forward to something new. And I've changed for the better over this course of last year. But familiarity can be very comforting.
I've made a lot of changes particularly in relationships. Though they're not drastic. I've learned a lot more about my own boundaries, and that it's okay to have them! One of the most notable things my therapist ever said to me was (in regard to my ex): "You know, it's okay not to like him. He didn't treat you very well."
I know that's self-respect 101 to most people. But it was news to me. I mean, not really. I knew it in my head, but hearing someone I respected and trusted say it, helped me start to believe it. That being said, I've learned that for me, having boundaries doesn't mean "I don't like how that person is being with me. I will never speak to them again." That's what I used to think boundaries meant. I didn't like that idea, because most people I did want to talk to again. I just didn't know how to deal with boundaries issues without either making myself rationalize away my concerns, or withdraw altogether.
Now, my ex, I'd be just fine never speaking to again. "We had a nice run, have a nice life." But that won't happen. Others, I've realized I can decide that I prefer interacting in a different way than they do, and it doesn't mean I have to dislike or never talk to them. Just that I have to adjust my expectations. However reluctantly. I'm looking forward to that being easier with practice.
I'm meeting new people and strengthening existing bonds with people who make me feel safe and respected.
All of these are good things. I'm starting the year well. But a part of me can't help mourning my old illusions. I was so fond of them!
I'm sad to let the holidays go too because it was so fun. Lots of friends, great outings and activities. The kids were so excited. My daughter is still young enough to love everything about it. And my son still believed in Santa this year. Soooo sweet. I know we have a lot more great things coming up, and I'm looking forward to this being the year I finally get traction in my career. It's going to happen. I'm not sure I'm ready!
So, goodbye perfect Christmas tree. Til next year, when you reincarnate into the next perfect tree. (Each year is always the best tree. It's the Christmas miracle.) I wonder if I'll still be blathering into these pages? A lot can happen in twelve months. We'll see.