Every day in my meditation, I ask what I should focus on that day. Today, it was: Focus on what it would feel like to you to be in a loving (romantic) relationship.
Not the things that would happen, but how would I feel if I felt "loved."
Admired, respected, adored, emotionally safe (as in, free to be me, without criticism or tips on how I could be a better person), to name a few. Those are all things I'd want my partner to feel too. And I believe those are the things I can easily offer someone else.
It was easier right after meditating. As the day wore on and the inevitable stresses of life piled up, I found it much harder.
At the end of the day, I drove out to the barn. Groomed my horses, rode the Mister, (Fabulous ride today. I rode after dinner. That was one co-operative horse. Note to self) and started to unwind.
There in my safe haven, I was able to relax and focus on the assignment again. I noticed that every time I approached the feeling, I shied away from it. That shielding energy was almost a palpable - an, "Oh no, that's not for me, that's for other people" energy.
Fascinating. And heartbreaking, if I were a third party observer. How to get rid it? I don't know exactly, but I have some ideas.
The good news is, I can see it now. Actually, that's very good news. Can't fix something if you don't know it's broken, right?