I've been reading in the news lately awful stories of people losing their whole families. Children, spouses, everyone. I always think that if anything happened to my children, I would just kill myself. I mean really, that's my plan. But, tonight I finally went the next step and asked myself why. I mean, I know why. There would be no reason to carry on. No one would really miss me. My parents, a couple of friends. But I'm certainly not essential to anyone's happiness. With my children gone, no one would need me. And honestly, I just don't want to grieve anymore. I'm so exhausted after the divorce and now G. But then, you know the kids are going to move out eventually anyway (hopefully). They'll be busy with their own lives. What will I do then? Will they need me? Probably not. I doubt I'm going to feel like killing myself then. I'll probably be very happy knowing they're out in the world, doing their thing, and I'm not responsible for them anymore. So why would I automatically assume that my life would be over if the kids weren't around? Hmm. Don't know. I mean, it would be terrible, awful, and I doubt I'd ever fully recover. But there must be more to me than being a parent. If I didn't have kids, I would have been okay with that. Is it possible to be on this planet, children or no, and feel that I don't have to have a grand purpose to exist joyfully? I bet that it is. It didn't help that I willingly stayed married to someone whose only requirement was that we both be devoted to his happiness. I tried. I think that's what you're supposed to do. But he took it to extremes, and there should be some reciprocity. Then G lost his mind and is downright abusive sometimes. Why am I putting up with that? A misguided sense that I owe him, and that a "good person" wouldn't desert him in his time of need. But that's what all good enablers think, isn't it. Dang. I wouldn't say I'm a total mess, but I certainly have room for improvement. Welcome to the human condition. Getting less messed up though. Acceptance is the first step. Put on your own oxygen mask first. I'm working on it. Must find out why I keep trying to hand mine to others. Especially those who are capable of helping themselves, but refuse to do so.