These days when I go to the park, I don't feel the same sense of escapism that I used to. I appreciate it. I enjoy it. It feels like home to me. But I don't have the same feelings I grappled with for so long. Spending hours each day there.
It was a long, eventful, fascinating time. When I finally decided to sit down and figure out how I was going to be happy. Come hell or high water and without reference to anyone else.
First I started to release resentment. Then I was able to start working on acceptance. Acceptance of others and my various experiences and circumstances allowed me to start to appreciate who I am and what I want.
I learned a lot in that park. I wish I had more time to spend there now. But the way I'm spending my time these days feels like a step forward on my path. It's not where I intend to stay, but so many things about my life are wonderful, I'm stopping to smell the roses along the way.
Lately, I'd say I've been working on releasing longing. Not as a conscious exercise, but as a side-product of looking for the things I love about right here, right now.
Wanting without longing is such a light-hearted experience. Tonight, as I stood on the beach and watched the waves, I was very aware that the emotions and thoughts that used to run seemingly uncontrollably through me, have been replaced with certainty, eager anticipation and often a kind of wild joy at the magnificence of this life experience. I felt as though I was dancing along with my surroundings; a part of them now. Not their supplicant.
What am I becoming? Something wonderful I think. To myself at least. And these days my opinion of myself, is the only one that matters.