Alright. Today my inner German Shepherd was on high alert. When she doesn't like something, she wants to nail that shit down. She's not the patient type. I am. Normally. It's actually not something I want to go into detail about here. I need to address it with the person in private. Something I wasn't in an emotional place to do earlier this year. And honestly, couldn't have anyway, as a practical matter. Maybe not now either. I don't know. I went on and on about my hurt, my confusion. I've been able to talk about it since without rancor. I thought. A distant memory. I thought. And actually, still is. At least my reaction to a sudden "full-stop" is very different.
This relationship is an interesting one to me. I know I care about him, as hurt and angry as I am. I've actually tried really, really hard, not to care. I think he cares about me too. Or he wouldn't be doing what he's doing. (Freaking out, from where I sit. But I probably look the same from his vantage point. Way over there somewhere.)
I found it hard to work. I was all smiles and good vibes last night. I was all cool after spending the day crying fearfully. Then, early this morning I get a text message with a screenshot that sent that right out the window. I wish I could be all zen about it, and not care. But I do care. I want things to be "right". But I realize that my expectations aren't always compatible with another's. So I'm working really hard on being alright with myself. Keeping the love for the other person just where it's always been.
It's so easy to come up with a defensive shell. Tell myself I don't care. Fuck them if they're going to treat me that way. The harder thing is to lower my shield, release my expectations, and let them be them. Very, very, hard.