Tonight's sunset. Crazy wind waves. My daughter's best friend is over for a sleep-over. They're still awake, though they think I can't hear them. My son is in my bed. Living the dream.
I'm starting to feel much better. I always thought I'm doing the right thing in stepping away from my friendship, and haven't been tempted to turn back, but it still brings up a lot of conflicting feelings. It feels like it should be so unnecessary. His behavior, not just directed at me, though I get the worst and most unrelenting of it, is completely over the top and has been for a long time.
On the one hand, I wish I'd made the decision sooner; and on the other, I'm glad I waited so long and gave it so many tries. I have no doubts after all that.
A good night's sleep helped. Made me want to get up and start working today. But I restrained myself. I try really hard to avoid working on weekends. Weekends are for resting and playing, and if I don't take the time to do that, I start the work week burned out.
Today, I had a little time to read and meditate. And think querulously about how "I have all this love to give and no one wants it." I knew in my head, of course, that that simply was not true at all. But I was having trouble turning it around emotionally. So I thought, why not run some of that love energy through myself.
I decided to think about things that I loved about myself. Not things I thought other people would or should love about me, but what do I, K, love about me? It was surprisingly difficult to do without trying to qualify things with memories of times where I failed to exemplify that particular quality. And I kept wanting to downplay the things I liked about myself. As though I were bragging to myself and being arrogant.
It's interesting how the little voices in my head are so often negative. (Huge reason I walked away from my friendship, didn't need a Greek chorus adding to the symphony.) I had to keep reminding myself that I had no problem understanding that I have work to do and am not perfect, but the point was to focus solely on the qualities I love, without downplaying them.
So anyway, I listed a few things. I don't know that I turned the ship of fear and self-doubt around, but I did feel less whiny, so that's an improvement. I'm going to practice it in my daily journaling. 5 or more things a day that I truly appreciate about myself. I won't add them here every day, but for today, here are 5 things I came up with:
1) I love that I'm slow to anger and quick to forgive;
2) I love my curiosity about other people and Life;
3) I love that I see beyond the surface of things and people;
4) I love that whenever I get knocked down (then stomped into the ground, then kicked in the face when I try to get up...), I've always summoned the will to get back up and found myself stronger and wiser than before;
5) I love my adaptability to unexpected situations.
I actually had more, but you get the idea. I think things are going to open up and start looking different now that I'm not constantly focusing on fending off cruel barbs and unsolicited litanies of my failings.
I know I wouldn't want to date someone who was engaged in some sort of intense struggle with another woman, platonic or no. And I'd also get really tired, really quickly, of listening to yet another variation on the theme of "what's he done now" when one of my friends failed to take steps to protect him or herself from those attacks.
Like I said last night, now there'll be room to focus on other relationships. The kind where each person is genuinely trying to learn and enhance their existence so they can make the world a little better place to be in. Those are the people I want in my tribe, and I can only draw them to me by being that kind of person myself. I don't care if someone has achieved their ideal. Just that they're trying.