I had a revelation yesterday morning during my meditation. Or, more like a visual/emotional explanation of how many of the pieces of me fit together.
Like anyone, I have my acquired defensive fears, doubts, etc. I try not to let them overwhelm me. They particularly pop up around prosperity and occupation. I saw these fears as dogs, lions, tigers, and fantastical unknown creatures. I also saw that rather than resenting them for being in my way, I shoud love them for jumping to my defense, even when I didn't want them to.
Rather than fighting them, I saw that I should love and appreciate them for wanting to protect me. Their motives are well-meant. I suddenly experienced such love and appreciation for them, that they laid down (in my vision) still surrounding me, but at peace. Ready to defend, but willing to take gentle direction. Good boys!
I realize I've been fighting with the parts of me that are only there to protect me, even when I no longer need the protection. They were so used to jumping up at any hint of danger, that it felt unbidden to me. A generalized sense of anxiety that seemed to have no cause.
So I sailed out into the world, conscious of the beautiful, glorious messiness of everything that makes up me, K, and liking myself, very much. I walked through my day, keeping that love, appreciation, and awareness of my loving request to stand down unless a threat I consciously deemed real appeared, I felt safe, protected and peaceful.
I had a great meeting with my boss. (He did get mad at me at one point, but his partner was cool with my actions, which had involved a judgment call in the moment, so he quickly was cool with them too.) I see how by bringing my unconscious defenses into consciouness, I have much more control over how situations play out energetically.
Self-awareness is incredibly useful. That's why this part of the day (just finished today's meditation, now on to journaling) is so invaluable to me. Uncovering all of the layers is fascinating work. And learning to use that awareness as I move through my now-busy days, is endlessly mind-blowing.