No sunset tonight. A picture of the Mister grazing on dirt. Sad, sad horsey. I give him credit for trying though. He'll try anything. He's like a goat.
Today was a strange day. I went to see M's presentation at an atheist meeting. Good presentation, she chose an interesting topic. The crowd was an interesting group but I didn't like it enough to trek all the way up there again. I think I'll check out the one in Oakland soon. I do get tired of hearing people talking about how only God (or their "Higher Power") can save them.
I'm not an atheist, as you know, but I'm not really an agnostic either. I suppose I'm closer to being a secular humanist. So all that talk in meetings about how people don't know how to manage their own life, and go off the rails unless they "turn everything over" bugs me sometimes. Depends on who's doing the talking and what they're saying.
Anyway, I went on from there to drop in on a horse show and later to check out a friend's new horse boarding facility in Oakland. Heard some good gossip about goings-on in the Oakland equestrian scene; but it made me even more grateful that I'm at the barn I am now. No drama. None. Just the way I like it.
Getting to the barn was like one of those dreams where you're trying to go somewhere and can't quite get there. (But at least I had some great music to listen to, thanks to S. It's all really well done, and perfect for longish drives. I loved it.)
I did make it. A bit frazzled from some of my interactions of the day. So I took some time to sit with the Mister as he grazed discontentedly on dirt, and journal. It really helped. It's never a good idea to try to work closely with a horse, let alone ride, unless you're in a centered and present place. We ended up with a really short ride, as I had to head home, but it was the best one yet.
All of this isn't particularly interesting, (Have you ever read One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich? That there's a good book) not that it ever is. But here's what I found interesting...I was out and about, voluntarily, on a weekend where previously, I would have just wanted to sit at home and do nothing.
I've noticed a significant improvement in my energy level the last month. I realize now how much energy I'd been using up just trying to be "OK" with how completely insanely my friend was behaving towards me. That's not his fault, of course (that I was focusing on the crazy). But it's natural to want your friends to be supportive and kind, and enjoy hanging out with you. Otherwise, why are either if you there?
I have no doubt that he loves me, but he doesn't like me. His illness, or whatever the problem is, makes him incredibly challenging to deal with, and most likely, to be him. (I re-read a few emails just to make sure I wasn't over-reacting. Nope. Worse than I remembered. I'd blocked some of them from my mind.)
By finally setting a very firm boundary and creating space, all of these other interests amd opportunities are flowing in. I wish it wasn't necessary, but I'm so glad I've finally advanced to the point where I was willing to do what was necessary for my own emotional health. Big hugs to self.