Tomorrow (today, really!) marks the official first year of sobriety. I must say, it really wasn't all that difficult. Well, it was difficult; it just wasn't difficult not to drink. I had, and still must, of course, to put some effort into it. I wouldn't say I'm doing everything my sponsor would like me to, but whatever I'm doing is working for me, so I'll take it. Honestly, I think a lot of it has to do with my relapses. I threw myself into them with gusto, and emerged, finally, accepting that hey, no, I really can't drink at all, ever. Once I fully accepted that, it got a lot easier not to. But, that's not to say that everything was easy. Since I wasn't drinking, I was able to access things I'd been covering up for a long time. That wasn't all that fun. But I also uncovered things about myself that I was really happy to find. Some of it was a bit clunkily done as I found my way. But in general, not too, bad. One of the things I'm working on is vulnerability. If I want relationships that allow for true intimacy, I have to be willing to open up and show people when I'm hurt, sad, embarrassed, etc. That's the reason I write the way I do here. I'm aware of my audience. And I could always talk about things that I think will make me look good, cool, pulled together....but I'd rather just be who I am on these metaphorical pages. I always said I would never lie, right? And I don't. Though I'm sure if I were to go back and look at earlier posts, I would see a change in my thought process. So things that felt true a year ago are tempered by all the work I've been doing. But I digress a little there. Tomorrow, my Mom will be in town. Which means I can go get my chip from LS. I really don't want to do this, and I'm not sure why. It makes me feel exposed and vulnerable for some reason. I very much don't want to stand in front of a room of people and be feted. But, I'm making myself do it, precisely because it does feel uncomfortable for me to contemplate. Only by acknowledging and exploring my vulnerability will I understand the power one can access exposing it for all to see. There's nothing more to fear. Vulnerability becomes invulnerability. There's your thought for the day.