Tonight's sunset. Pretty! Obviously, took it from my car.
Ok, so today's experiment was pretty interesting. I had some trouble settling into it. You know how you'll be walking along and remember that thing that person did that really upsets you? That's what I decided to do deliberately. It's much harder to do when I have to work at it.
Fortunately, I had a lot of driving to do, so I was able to spend more time on it. Here's what I found. First, I don't really care about most people. There were only a couple of people whose rejection really upset me (that I haven't already gone on at length about here, and really, kind of just moved that to "it's complicated" and quit worrying about it.)
They're both women. Both are close enough to me that if they had a problem with me, I would have expected them to say something to me. But they didn't. They just stopped responding to occasional texts and phone calls. Obviously, after four or five tries over a couple of years, I didn't keep trying. (I don't live in the same city as either one.) Now, I've had friends move away, and naturally, you drift apart. This was different. No argument. The last time I talked to/saw them, was pleasant. At least I thought so. Then, nothing. It could be that something's going on with their lives and it has nothing to do with me. But it doesn't feel that way. It feels like they each just decided they didn't want to be my friend any more, and that sucks.
It does hurt. And I didn't like how it made me feel, when I really thought about it. I usually just try to be "okay" with it. But, of course, for purposes of this, I couldn't. I think that was good. I didn't like it. The feelings were uncomfortable, but I sat with them anyway. And after awhile realized, all it means is that now I know who my real friends are.
I can't change how these women I thought were my friends respond to me. But I can look at the many other friends, some closer than others, who are around me. And realize, all these people, some who have known me a decade or four, some having come into my life more recently, really love me. And I love them. I don't get to see all them as often as I like, as many of them live in other cities, but I do talk to them frequently, and we each make an effort to get together when possible.
So I can briefly mourn the friendships, send love and thanks for the journey together, and focus on the wonderful people who have chosen to remain in my life.
At the end of the day, after making peace with my discomfort, I felt clean and lighter. I'm really glad I took the time to address it, as uncomfortable as it was.
On the way home, I didn't even feel like listening to music at first. After awhile, I put on one of S's mixes, Tears of the Champion. Good music for after a storm (He has the best titles. I would just call it "Tuesday, 11-18" or something. Titles aren't my strong suit.) I like new music that someone else has curated for me. Well, not for me per se, but that someone who has a much broader knowledge of music than I do has put together, and often (always?) remixed into something new. I like his taste, and I think, for what it's worth, that he's really talented at it.
So anyway, that concluded my experiment with purposely being offended. I declare it a success. Next time, maybe I should take offense sooner. Note to self.