Oh dear. I keep trying to be done with S, wish him peace and love, and go about my business. Then he does something astonishing like he did last week in pointedly making it clear he wanted nothing to do with me. Even though I wasn't trying to do anything with him at all! I would have said "hey", but that's about it. It's still on my mind. It was, frankly, bizarre. I've never seen anything like it in a grown man. Oh wait, yes I have. This is a pattern I've been drawn to over and over again in my life. Knowing him has been an opportunity to consciously identify the behaviors that draw me in despite the fact that they're unproductive and often downright destructive. And I finally questioned why. Not, "why is this unfair thing happening?" Though in truth, at first, that was how I approached it. But "why am I resonating with this passive-aggressive, withholding behavior?" In watching him deny, project, judge and withdraw, I've been able to catch myself taking all those things personally, and to stop. He really doesn't know me at all. He's never asked any questions or agreed to have a discussion about things he's accused me of. Even though I've told him I value him as a friend, but don't want a romantic relationship with him, I'm pretty sure he doesn't believe me. My dear S, I care about you, and will always be available should you decide to unlock the door to the prison you've shut yourself in. (I can see the loneliness and rage behind your genial smile. I hope you open up and let sunshine into your soul. Stop being so afraid.) But, no, we are just not on the same page as how to conduct any relationship, let alone a romantic one. Goodness, he didn't even have the decency to smooth my way into the LS meetings and introduce me around. (I'm glad to see that he's helping the young woman he's spending so much time with. It's a lot easier than making your own way. Fortunately, I've met a lot of people now, and can either hang and talk 'til the bitter end or leave right after. Options!) I think he believes that I'm only going to meetings to see him or some such nonsense. In fact, the time he was so unpleasant, I hadn't even realized he was there until I had already sat down next to him. Actually, nor did I realize it this weekend until I'd sat down as well. Hardly keeping an eagle eye out for him, am I? Well, it's a new twist on my old pattern. I asked for communication, he "unfriended" me rather than have a discussion. I said, "all right", spent a little time just processing that, then mostly moved on to other concerns. That was new and healthy for me. Now, he's escalating his hostility. Odd. I'm gone, just as he wanted. I haven't had any contact other than a "hi" a couple of times when I've come face to face with him. It's like he's been having vicious arguments with me in his head. I hope he realizes I'm not really there, and he's only arguing with a part of himself that looks like me. I suspect that's been part of the problem all along. Hmmm, well, it feels good to put that down and send it to the ether. I'm really hoping not get drawn back into any "drama." I care about him and would like to see him get happy and healthy. I'm glad to see I'm not taking it on as something I've done. Any problems he has with me are all in his head. Alas, I fear he and G are sitting together on the same train to Crazytown (though G is still undoubtedly the new mayor).