Tonight I went to one meeting, then left and went to a cross-talk meeting I thought would better suit my mood. I was right. Good call. I was antsy after the emotionally busy weekend. All the same people were at both meetings, but I needed some jocularity. I felt much lighter after.
I've been thinking about that meditation yesterday morning about love. Though I've been thinking of it from a point of all types of friendships.
From what I saw, I've ruthlessly rooted out noxious weeds of old patterns and ways of dealing. Particularly what I'll accept AND what I'll allow myself to bring in. No resentment, projection, controlling behavior or tearing down of any kind, from me or others. Easier said than done. But that's my goal.
People have friction and misunderstandings. But how I address it, or tolerate another's way off addressing it will look very different than it has in the past.
For instance, I didn't like the type of energy I was using in being resentful of my friend. So I unblocked him and told him I had. With strict parameters for interaction. I doubt it was well received, but, oh well. Better than fretting over the whole thing. I've done my part. I unlocked the gate, conditionally, but kept it closed for now.
I want to focus on other things. Like, where is S? Where'd you go? Actually, I'm mostly joking. I would love to see him, but he's the one who set the limitations on interaction, so I'll follow his lead and not worry about it. Though the gate is wide open, it's up to him to walk through. He's like a baby deer. Don't want to scare him. Or hurt myself chasing after him. I want him to want to spend time with me. If he doesn't want that, I'm okay with it, or am learning to be anyway.
In the meantime, I have a garden to plant; and I want it filled with laughter, camaraderie, respect and genuine enjoyment of one another's company. If any of this is missing from a dynamic, I'll know it's not a relationship to bring too closely into my world.
I have to be logical about it, because relying too much on my ingrained responses has gotten me into a lot of messes. I believe though, that with time, my emotions will be more in alignment with what's beneficial to me.
My instincts will be recalibrated and I won't have to give so much thought to what I'm allowing myself and others to bring in.
That's the plan anyway. Wish me luck.