No sunset tonight. M was over to chillax and catch each other up on the latest. If the only thing the program gave me was the opportunity to develop a friendship with her, that would be enough. She's smart, funny, thoughtful and insightful. (And she dilikes all that Goddess nonsense as much as I do. Bonus.)
I don't have much to say today. Really busy weekend. It always is with the kids, and we had a guest as well for extra chaos. I always wonder how parents do all that stuff they need to do for their children. Then I remember, oh yeah, that's me! It's a lot of work. Far more than people without kids realize. Even if you're not actively doing anything, you always have one ear out. But you're usually doing something. And it's usually not what you'd rather be doing! Now that I have more money, I'll be able to go on more outings and trips. I'm looking forward to that.
I'm learning to laugh with them again. I didn't laugh for a very long time. Now we tease and joke a lot. With tons of hugs and kisses (which we've always had. It's not recent!) I didn't have much physical affection from my parents. I got smacked a lot.
Once my mother beat me with the buckle end of a belt until I was bleeding. I was five, but I remember it. She wanted me to do something, but I was having fun playing with my sister. So I didn't listen. I remember everything single thing about that episode.
The good thing about that, and other incidents, is that I remember being really confused about it all. I wasn't trying to be disobedient, I just was doing what I was doing. So it's been really helpful when I get impatient with my own children to remember what my thought processes were when I was their age.
I still get impatient. It's hard not to when what seems like one more task to get through doesn't seem important to them at all. But we muddle through, and generally truly enjoy one another's company.
My morning meditation didn't happen until our guest left and the dust settled. Well worth the wait. I experienced joy for the first time in forever. It wasn't tied to anything. I just felt free and light.
I spent much of the afternoon studying the sensation. (We had a lacrosse clinic to go to. Perfect weather for sitting outside and keeping one eye on my daughter's clinic and the other on my son's death-defying stunts on the adjacent playground.)
"Joy" was quieter than I remember. It felt sustainable. Here's to many more moments of joy in the coming months and years.