Tonight's sunset. I had trouble deciding what to talk about. I thought about last night when Hulk Hogan comforted me after a relapse. He held me in his arms and said, "There, there. Now get up and move past this." This was pre-sex tape Hulk. Obviously, it was a dream. Probably brought on by all the networking events and the 4th of July celebration. I've been keeping a close eye on my sobriety through all this, and I haven't really been tempted. It helps that it's been a little over a year since my last relapse (though I had a glass of wine before I gave it all up for good last August, so I had to move my official date again.) There was a big to-do yesterday over a post on one of the FB recovery boards. Then today a slightly less messy discussion on the subject of harassment in the program. That whole thing is just way too complicated to go into.
Finally, though, I thought I'd talk about this, as it's coming up a lot recently. Some people seem to get their self-worth and sense of importance from how much they perceive life as suffering. I don't see life as suffering, unless I'm attached to someone who does. Then I take on their pain and fear. (That's not their fault. It's something I'm working on.) I've had to struggle hard to loose my attachment to people I love (or loved) who refuse to accept that life doesn't have to be an endless slog to the finish line. If they want to live that way, fine. But don't lay that shit on me. An artist friend of mine will be sculpting, out of silver clay, (silver mixed with clay, sculpted, then fired. The end result is pure silver.) a commissioned piece, a bracelet, showing an open book signifying my quest for knowledge, with a sword laying across the book, signifying clarity. Which is all I'm looking for. Good and bad. I just want to see it all. And there's much good out there. That's what I focus on. I might have to wade through some mud once in while, or find myself a nice dark and damp cave to stay in for about 10 years, stumble off a cliff, fall in a ditch or three, get caught in the briars, flail around in a raging river...but my eyes are always on the shiny thing showing me the way out and forward. That's working for me now, and always has. Unless I allow myself to be persuaded to take my eyes off it, which I have on occasion, to my regret. Not that I don't learn a lot in those instances too. But you know, I've found that life can be miraculous, if you let it be. Why not let it? Fear that joy will be taken away seems to be the main culprit. Fear is a crappy traveling companion. Leave it in your cave and look for your shiny thing.