Today, I just gave up. But in a way that felt good. I'm pretty good at my job. I could use some training. Would love some training. But like every other job I've had, I've been thrown into the middle to sink or swim. We all know how much I like swimming. But I decided to just float for awhile and see what showed up.
I've been trying to root out and dispel any deep-seated notions lurking in my psyche that it's not possible to enjoy a happy and fulfilling life. I'm doing pretty well. Fortifying my social life, working on a couple of different careers (Still doing the work with the horses, but I intentionally back-burnered it while I get the other work up-and-running smoothly.), fully engaged with the kids, creating a comfortable home for me and visitors, taking care of myself, mostly.
I don't want any self-doubts, self-esteem or other "me" issues to hold me back. It feels as though I put them on "paper", they don't look so scary. They can just blow away. Or blow back in my face. It happens.
I'm been holding off moving forward with getting new clients. The guy supervising me just isn't getting to the loans on time. Finally, last week, I talked to the president of the company. He knows the guy I've been working with is falling behind. (They are incredibly busy.) He told me they'd lost two other loan officers to the same problems I've been complaining about here.
Validated!! I'm not alone, I'm not (just) being whiny, I'm actually right to be concerned. He told me to send the loan proposals directly to him and he would look at them personally. In my dealings with him, I've found him to be very efficient. I'm hoping this will at least allow me to seek out new clients. I don't want to make a bunch of connections only to have them become infuriated with the company. It's happened before. No one blamed me, but that's partly because I just went out and found other lenders for them on my own.
Still going to pursue other opportunities though. I'm not the same person I was before; willing to give chance after chance and hoping something would change. I'm much more in it for me this time. I'll give my loyalty to individuals who have earned it, but not to a company. I work hard. I expect others to work hard. I expect professionalism from those I work closely with. I've because a lot less tolerant of behavior I don't like. I can see it's because I finally see my own worth. And I expect others to treat me accordingly. If they don't I just look elsewhere. No need to get all dramatical.
So I'm going sit back and see what happens. I mean, I'll still be actively taking steps, but I'm going to be paying attention to where those steps should lead. I refuse to worry anymore about outcome. Well, actually, I'm going to try very hard to genuinely refuse to care about outcome. If one thing doesn't work, another thing will. I'm finally finding faith in myself and my ability to be "okay" no matter what. (Which is not to say I don't have my moments where I can't see it at all!)
Now, it's time to start finding a way towards my version of a fabulous life:
A ranch, where world-weary people can come and regain their souls. With horses, meditation, and other activities. I want to develop a program for urban youth to have a chance to work with horses. I think it would be really beneficial...I could go on and on about that. But I also want a man who loves me, and I love him back, and it's really that simple. I want healthy, happy children. I want a large circle of acquaintances and a small group of friends. I want the means to live and travel comfortably. I want to die in my sleep when I'm an old lady, after living a life worthwhile as I see it. Bringing healing to people like me, who know they're lost. And maybe I can help them find their shiny star to follow. That would be an absolutely fabulous life.
If that's not the exact life I get, I want to love the hell out of that life anyway. I want to always love what's right in front of me. And I don't want it ruined by fear or doubt. That's my goal. So I'm doing everything I can to remove any obstacles to allowing me to see the perfection of now, which in the future, will still be now. So why not start living the fabulous life now? I do love a paradox.