On the way to the pool with my son for an early evening swim. I'm swimming a lot more these days. Though I have a long way to go, I've lost quite a bit of weight and I feel more comfortable in my swimsuit. I hadn't realized just how much all the weight I'd gained was affecting how I felt about it. Thank goodness I started when I did. By spring I'll be more fit than I have been in a long time. Yes, I'm still doing that low-carb thing. I just don't talk about it, because diets are boring. But I'm really happy with how it's going. Sometimes I do get grossed out by all the animal protein and realize I'm eating something that used to be walking and "talking". Ugh. I'll be glad to go back to eating mainly vegetarian again. In the meantime, I take a moment to be thankful for the animal's gift.
Today, I thought about a lot of things. I've been busy over the last couple of years unwinding old patterns, and I notice new ones taking their place. I wouldn't say I'm a completely different person, but I'm completely "me". Not holding onto experiences and feelings from the past and dragging them into my present and future. I have the memory of them, but I'm not re-living them.
My sponsor told me she notices that I don't spend a lot of time with resentments. She thinks I'm just blowing past them and being "okay" with things because I don't want to feel my feelings. You and I know that's not true, as witnessed by these pages. Hell, talk to my old therapist whose couch I sat on for four years. But when I try to explain, she doesn't believe me. She always asks me if I have anything to "check in" about. And when I try to tell her about what I've been thinking, she makes it clear that I'm supposed to check in about problems, not solutions. Well. Needless to say, check-ins are short. I like her a lot. I just think we don't communicate very well. I appreciate her support though, and her efforts.
I feel my feelings. But I no longer need to wallow in them and dig myself into a trench while I perfect my story about who did what and how. I don't want to hold onto to things I have no control over. Feel the feeling, acknowledge it, thank it for the information, and decide what to do from there. I've spent hours and days and weeks and months and years thinking about past experiences, and reliving the feelings. I've learned how to navigate the emotional waters more adeptly. I just want to stay in my lane, and let all my fellow travelers do what they need to do as well. I'm not perfect at it, but it's a worthy goal.