Today I was thinking about S leaving (already left?), and how disoriented I would be. I mean, exciting and about time to do something I really want to do; but an odd feeling of both really looking forward to it, and missing some of what I leave. I've, of course, made a few transitions like that, though never that far away (except my semester abroad in Spain my junior year of college.)
I think the transition that felt the biggest for a lot of people was graduating from high school. Although I really liked high school I was ready to move on and get on with my life. After the graduation ceremony, everyone was crying about how they'd miss each other and just really upset. Then they got upset at me for not crying. I genuinely couldn't understand what the big deal was. It wasn't like I was never going to see my friends again. (At that time in my life, I really preferred the company of my dogs and horses to most people. I'd say that's still true of how I feel about many people.) And, of course I saw my friends again, we continue to have great times together, albeit less frequently, and I made new friends as well.
Getting divorced was like starting in a new place. I was living in the same place I'd been for 18 years, but I wasn't living much at all. I've made more friends in the last two years than I did the 10 years prior to that. I really could only stand to have a few people in my life. Man, I was depressed. Even when I wasn't drunk. At last, I'm re-entering society, and finding that I enjoy it!
I'm envious of S in that he gets to get up and go wherever he'd like. But at the same time, I'm content with my choice to have my children, and gladly substitute that freedom. Watching him decide to do something just because he wants to do it inspires me.
So though I'm limited geographically, I realized I can do the same. As you know, I've been struggling with what to do career-wise. It feels as though I don't have a lot of options. But I decided that everything I do is going to be geared toward operating a ranch retreat for people like me, who're trying to understand this world and their place in it, and hopefully for some city kids who otherwise spend their nights listening to gunshots and sirens.
Some of that is going to entail becoming financially stable. That could mean taking any old job for now, or continuing to cobble together income producing gigs. (I think I will end up in real estate development, because as far as jobs go, it's really fun and I have a lot of experience and knowledge in that field.)
Seeing S take off and seize life makes me want to do the same. I don't want to merely "get by" being comfortable and wake up dead one morning after a long, okay life. I want to do what makes me happy and excited to leap out of bed every morning, and work all day, and call it the best time imaginable. Thanks for that inspiration S. You're a true trailblazer.