Tonight's sunset. I always complain about the cold wind, until it's not there for a few days. Then I'm happy to see it. Today I was all happy, then I wasn't. No reason. Just started feeling anxious and unsettled.
I still don't know why. (It may be as simple as reading too many posts on reddit's relationship advice sub, I learn from the miseru of others) But I do notice a difference in how I handle it when those moods hit.
There's usually something bubbling to the surface that I don't want to look at, so my brain starts looking for a distraction. Worrying about past relationships and the suckiness of them, and how I'd feel better if I just met someone who was excited to see me and loved talking to me....And I stop myself right there. That's why it took me so long to decide I was ready to start dating.
As long as I wandered over into that territory, I knew I wasn't ready yet. Thinking that sex or a boyfriend would make me "happy" always felt like a red herring to me. Because it's easy to distract yourself from what's really going on with "what-ifs", which too often spiral down into, "that always happens to me..." Neither of those states are useful for sitting with uncomfortable emotions.
I still don't know what it was. But I do know that focusing on what I don't have will only bring dissatisfaction. So I sat with the discomfort for several hours until it dissipated. That's a lesson that was hard won. Distractions from feelings I don't want to have are handy, but don't help move out unwanted energy from my psyche.
I spent hours and days and months sitting with uncomfortable feelings and unhappy thoughts. I just dove into them. It sucked ass. But, in the long run, I'm a much happier person because of it. I just let everything come up. The good, the bad and the ugly. Acknowledged it, thanked it, and sent it on it's way. Often, I won't understand what I was grappling with until quite a bit later. (I can be a slow learner.) But trust me, it's ultimately faster and easier to explore what's making me want to run away.
In the end, I dunno what it was. But I do know it's gone now. And I can safely think, "hey, it'd be nice to date and have someone besides an Ello post to share my thoughts with." But it's not "necessary" for my happiness.
As an aside, I've realized it's really important for me to date someone who actually wants to hear the things I think about. Agree or disagree doesn't matter to me so much as that they want to hear it. That's something I didn't have in my marriage. I could never in a million years talk to my ex the way I talk to you here. He simply wasn't interested in those types of conversations. Never again.
Finally, here's a band I just found that I like: https://youtu.be/iU5qp-cAtOU